Open Mic: word drop stuck |
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HI-Z 
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Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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 Topic: word drop stuckPosted: 31 August 2016 at 12:26pm |
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Flow as smooth as colostrum
Ephemeral bars with calcium Ruminant truth laced wisdom Fabricate spurious hate prism Prevents a nascent image Pantomime defines blurred lines Proclivity precludes the design Farrago is my favorite movie of all time. Give us harder words for our next rhyme |
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3263 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 31 August 2016 at 8:27pm |
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lol..(give us harder words next time).I liked this piece overall with the short
lines.kind of seems your trade mark now.I also thought you flow to be good too.you did well to make these words blend to an extent.the pantomime line was nice.again a few words that read volumes.I liked your approach with your drops.this ones no different in that sense.I thought you gave this a good shot. i believe you might even be in the running with this verse.all in a decent attempt for me..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Konflict
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Joined: 12 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 48 |
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Posted: 31 August 2016 at 10:17pm |
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It was short and simple but it worked really well. It didn't come off as forced, it just seemed like these were random words you chose to use yourself. Good work Z
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 31 August 2016 at 10:36pm |
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Not sure if I've read anything from you so far but this was pretty nice!
I enjoyed the rather short line lenght and some of the incorporations, like the "nascent image" one were worded in a rather interesting way. The rhythmic pattern seemed slightly off in some of the opening lines, but it was kinda minor. Good work overall! |
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HI-Z
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Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Posted: 01 September 2016 at 3:12am |
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Thank you guys, I do feel as though I missed out on an opportunity to call this one word drop sicks lol but for the most I think I came out okay. And I did have an internal debate about droping an as and changing the first line to flows smooth as colostrum, but decied against it lol.
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Droidian
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BIG GAME KILLER! Joined: 07 May 2016 Location: Toronto Status: Offline Points: 776 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 7-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 01 September 2016 at 6:02am |
lol...allright I'll wear it. ..but how 'bout you use the words in a manner that doesn't read like the most obtuse Allen Ginsberg poetry...😉 but in all seriousness i think you did a pretty good job of associating ideas into an abstract presentation. it's very unique as an approach here. |
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HI-Z wrote: