1-2 Punch League: Crimson Juice vs Hawksdevil75 (w10) |
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Rutter knows best 
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 Topic: Crimson Juice vs Hawksdevil75 (w10)Posted: 03 November 2016 at 2:14pm |
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Due Friday midnight.
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#bananas
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supremacy
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Joined: 03 November 2016 Location: Nigeria Status: Offline Points: 1 |
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Posted: 03 November 2016 at 6:51pm |
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open O/C to anyone who chooses to catch this hands,i don't give af who it is,battle me or y'all scared or something?
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Rutter knows best
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Joined: 15 March 2014 Location: Manny hood Status: Offline Points: 4529 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-12-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 03 November 2016 at 7:16pm |
Don't spam people's battles. Post shit in the right places. Can some one clean this up please. |
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#bananas
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Crimson Juice
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Posted: 03 November 2016 at 8:35pm |
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bitch i'll spark you up like a kilowatt,fry this impish bird with some shallots,
only time he'll be hot,cuz David couldn't rock heads if I gave him a slingshot, He's names David. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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SiQ
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Joined: 03 November 2016 Status: Offline Points: 44 |
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Posted: 05 November 2016 at 12:57pm |
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Hawk- no show
CJ- nice nameplay, clean wordin, solid punch Vote- CJ |
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Droidian
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Posted: 05 November 2016 at 1:53pm |
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CJ: sorry this got no showed. much better offering here in my opinion. i think this might be the formula that serves you best my friend. Nice angle and good execution. nice relationship between setup and punch..internal scheme nice. ..end rhyme to my accent could be a bit cleaner.
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Beans
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Posted: 05 November 2016 at 4:34pm |
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much better bar than last round CJ. BUT im going tbh not a fan of this style. idk what accent you use but shallots and Slingshot do not rhyme for me. Thats really my only problem here and the only time he'll be hot was weird to read. Keep at it bro
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1-2 Season 1 Final Champ
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Ridley Squat
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Posted: 06 November 2016 at 9:28pm |
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Agreed better. You replicated that "-ot" syllable through the inner and end of each line, so props for taking the advice, but ... I'd still say one thing. Single syllable patterns CAN work ... BUT when you first introduce the rhyme by using the word Kilowatt, which has a hard stressed first syllable, you're gonna wanna rhyme that syllable too, because not doing so ... like Kilowatt / some shallots / he'll be hot / a slingshot ... whether you like it or not sounds wrong to the ear.
Once you establish that this would benefit from 3 syllable multies instead .. you'd be surprised how easy that is to tweak....
Peace. |
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Skep
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Posted: 07 November 2016 at 12:34pm |
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CJ - Your concept was heading the right way, just need to think it out a bit more, props for showing doe. More than hawk dude or whatever can say.
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Live Battle Artist The True Audio Champ Verbal Assassin |
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Slecht
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Posted: 07 November 2016 at 1:34pm |
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I didn't like the rhyme scheme here tbh, but cool personal. CJ
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Concrete
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Posted: 08 November 2016 at 9:12am |
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Punch was pretty cool, could use a better setup but overall ggod bar here.
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supremacy wrote: