Open Mic: Dedication to my Ex Verse II

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   You and I were a perfect match 
Maybe that's why we burnt out
We kept thinking all about
Our future together even though we were teens
Keeping the love strong behind iPhone screens
It seems none of that mattered to you
You spoke lies through
Your pearly white teeth
Said I love you even though beneath
Your skin you felt otherwise
We had our lows and our highs
But now you're a bad memory like Juneau 
I had blue skies and sunny days you know
Then you came in and destroyed all that
You brought down my d’état
Dérange, it was flooded, declared an emergency
When I saw you down I felt urgency
To help but now I'll let you rot
Because I done thought
I meant something to you and it was permanent
It all ended in an argument 
Thought I found a place to find home
But nah, Imma still roam
On day after day, wave after wave
Fell off dazed and confused but I stayed brave
I rap about my pain but you smoke it out
Oops, your little secret I just let it out
I chill with friends and cruise around
While you sneak out not to be found
At night to smoke with whoever
This is one of the reasons we weren't forever

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Orenda Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 21 December 2016 Location: Boston, MA Status: Offline Points: 4 Crew: Pending	Post Options Post Reply Quote Orenda Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Dedication to my Ex Verse II Posted: 21 December 2016 at 5:32pm
	You and I were a perfect match Maybe that's why we burnt out We kept thinking all about Our future together even though we were teens Keeping the love strong behind iPhone screens It seems none of that mattered to you You spoke lies through Your pearly white teeth Said I love you even though beneath Your skin you felt otherwise We had our lows and our highs But now you're a bad memory like Juneau I had blue skies and sunny days you know Then you came in and destroyed all that You brought down my d’état Dérange, it was flooded, declared an emergency When I saw you down I felt urgency To help but now I'll let you rot Because I done thought I meant something to you and it was permanent It all ended in an argument Thought I found a place to find home But nah, Imma still roam On day after day, wave after wave Fell off dazed and confused but I stayed brave I rap about my pain but you smoke it out Oops, your little secret I just let it out I chill with friends and cruise around While you sneak out not to be found At night to smoke with whoever This is one of the reasons we weren't forever
	- Orenda

SELF ACTIVATE Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1389 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL	Post Options Post Reply Quote SELF ACTIVATE Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 22 December 2016 at 12:40am
	It sounds like you have some real teenage love problems my man. I can't help you with those, but I can read your words. I think you started this piece off very strong. You had some solid wording in the first half and some believable emotion as well. I liked every thing from the match metaphor, to the bit about the iPhone, all the way down to the line about pearly white teeth. All of that was solid and creatively conveyed. However, after that the middle portion was a little boring and not nearly as captivating as the beginning was. Your wording began to wander into the realm of basic simplicity as opposed to sophisticated simplicity and you wordplay was uninspiring compared to how you started out. As for the end ... well the song and movie references were dope. I like those. And the part about telling her secret was a nice touch as well. After that tho it ended kind of flat. Overall: This was a cool piece. I can tell you have more to offer so I'll wait patiently on your next one. Peace...