Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round One: Battler 8 vs Battler 25 - 25 WINS

Edited by The Law - 05 April 2017 at 2:52am

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Battler 8.. Oh my god! The emotion you're able to extract from the reader is heavenly!!
The story was amazing and fit the picture so well.
Writing style was on point! Your transitions between lines was great and tight. No wasted words or space, your multis were smooth

This is a piece of art that can teach. Lord knows I'll be studying this.

If I was to quote anything I'd be copy pasting the whole thing so.. *refer to battler 8's whole post for examples of magic**

Points for Rhyme scheme, ease of reading/flow, ability to progress storyline, story, and connection to picture




Battler 25

It was a bit of a rough read, some lines had to be re read to decipher which word was the rhyming word. I felt the beginning started on track with the picture reference but then you lost me a bit in the middle until you tied the birdcage in again at the end.
I feel the direct reference of the bird cage kinda took away from any mystique or magic you could of used. A little on the obvious side.

If I could offer some advice, try lengthening some of your rhymes and adding more creativity to it, let the rhymes and flow marinade in the readers mind and bounce their tongue as they pronounce all the multis,
"A good line will have 4 head nods" - Nigma


MVGT BATTLER 8

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Battler 8

This life is sixes and sevens, it depicts noone's heaven,
It has been messing my essence - asfixiating my presence,
I was given the impression this life's a blessing till you die,
It reflects the beauty - but then refelections are a lie,
So I rejected and denied but tried to breathe and teach....
myself to beleive but got sweaped by the heaps of grief,
Indeed this life isn't what it seems it means,
It's relation's conditional - like of sleep and dreams,
so to speak.. i mean.. fuck it and my staggering voice,
n' selfdestructive destiny like those of gambling boys,
This pain managed to destroy... the scars shattered my frame,
Having this stain, my pieces were scattered and maimed,
n' all the droplets of rain and eye strucking greenery,
all the glitter seems nothing but a hill of beans to me,
I desperately tried to find those fucking dreams to see,
But screams and pleas were all I found through those gutted sceneries,

(yeah I'm liking the poetic vibe here,the similes in this segment were nice and subtle,
and because they weren't elaborate they didn't break the flow on reading,it also had
a sombre feel running along side too,the word placements were good here made the
tempo feel real natural and smooth,it gave this piece an innocents really,you also had in parts some nice inners popping off too,which also helped tick this along,i'm enjoying this light and breezy segment as of yet, nice start..)   

It's been years now, daddy says he wants me to breathe,
Mum wants to beleive her daughter's forgotten the grief,
But I'm often so weak that I can't holler or speak,
I sit in sorrow and seek our society's moral beliefs..
It's so hollow and deep that it swallowed my pride,
shame follows and strikes.. i couldn't dodge it or hide,
I tried to torch in some light but hopes were burried and lost,
i'm that fucking exhausted.. my thoughts are rubbled and tossed,

I wish that dad was home.. it was always the wealth,
who the fuck leaves an 8 years old all by herself?
so when they broke in, the day my fate was written in scrolls,
they raped and riddled me whole with their filth n' my soul....
was left to shiver in cold so I slithered and rolled,
maybe blithered a little like I was living a whore,
but who the fuck knows the fuck an 8 years old can think,
the curtains rolled when i got old and was told of the stink...
the facts I got to hold and cope with as long as i live
n' it haunted and tricked me into wanting to slit...

my motherfucking wrists...
damn!

I've embraced all the frost but these stains that I've got,
my eyes cant capture the life when I'm enslaved by my thoughts,

(well the mood was broken in this segment,it began to be less serene,the flow is still ticking well too,but the innocents had now been replaced with a forced tainted and
hurt prospective,the victim after the attack is left to deal with the emotional scars,i
liked the wording in this segment,from dealing with this from a societies view point
and beliefs,to the girl trying to rationalise her thoughts and emotions,this piece had some nice flashes of emotion within,due to subtle details provided,it also projected
a clear picture whilst reading too,all in all a good read here..)



Battler 25

It was rough before that accident hit
Her grandmother and I were practically split
Separate mattresses and acrimonious fits
I wish she were here tho thats my tragic regret
Happened April the 10th, but May I repent?

I loved Lucy, but who we became was estranged
Tension was inflamed, several questions had remained
Yet I stayed faithful dilligent and gentlemen-esque perse
She would only tear me down just the same, ashamed
I rang a couples therapist to prepare for this day

(I do like the way you opened here,straight in with a back story like time is of the
essence,plus it adds weight to this segment via the details,like when you describe
the guy still trying to keep his stature when shits crumbling around him,damn he's
even tried to get things back on track via professional help therapist,good opening segment here..)   

The showers flooded the windshield at rapid speeds
Sam Cooke relieved, the silence at behest of me
I felt the bitter cold from that passenger seat
She muttered "you never cared about me" angerily
I'm slowing, steering wheel frozen, shes yanking my sleeve

I havn't spoken since we hit that embankment
Dr's says it alzheimers, caused by the event, I take meds
I pretend to be brain dead, occasional tears escape and
Thats when they say that there's hope one day ill awaken
Until then, I just watch my granddaughter be a thespian

She knew I loved bird watching, she plays in my old cage
The butterflies it brings me, couldnt be tamed with rolaids
Her mother still blames me, rarely ever shows face
This is where i'll die, quiet as the night Lucy's soul aged

(liking the depiction here,windshield bombarded by rain,radio playing 60'soul songs,
that in turn keeps the mood from spiralling,but they still end up in an accident caused
by being preoccupied with quarrelling in hazardous conditions,and now he is a shell
of the man he once was,on the plus side,he has learnt to use this condition as a tool,
I get the feeling of being trapped via the details here,the sitting there watching he's
granddaughter playing as if an act on stage,I liked the abstracted contents this piece
is delivering,you've done well to keep it all quaint and believable,nice verse..)


Overall a hard one to call this,I liked both offerings here,Battler 8 had flow and similes mixed with a tragic event working,and Battler 25 had a direct approach and imagery blended with a warming tale,after reading both verses twice,I'm going to go with Battler 8,here's why,although 25 had an enduring tale,Battler 8 had an in the face scenario coupled with some decent similes,i just felt he displayed the better emotion on the whole,and for me felt grittier,props to both here,as both were enjoyable..


Vote...Battler 8..peace.

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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First segment - The opening few lines really felt forced. You have an
understanding of writing obviously but the second line didnt flow
well with the first. Line 3-4 were nicely writting. A nice simple
set of internals and a end flow was nice. As im reading, the verse
is a rollercoaster. You have a  bar and two that hit stride and
then a single word will throw the transitioning bars off.
The content is was ok. I think you arent captioning the emotions
and progression is a little off. This verse is pretty simple but
you have an ok grasp on this.



Second segment - That opener was nice. Story and content is starting to
reel me in. Your schemes bother the fuck outta me because i see soo much
potention to make this more fluid and i feel like you are so close to nailing
it down. Not bad segment here though. I do like the slant. They work for the most part and im feeling some more emotional presence. Not bad.

Third segment - Finally striding it seems by this segment. Not bad. I really
liked this portion of the verse for the most part. To end this feed. You had half of this Topical really hitting strides and the other half weighing it down. I think you needed to focus more on the story and the progression. This seems unfinished and rushed to a certain degree. I was hoping to read more progression and detail. I know her dad left and now she was all alone. I wish you maybe went into depth on on either the emotional aspect or took another route. Maybe going into the pain of digging a knife into your wrists.


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Battler 25



1st segment - Very nice opener. Liked this scheme here. Flow was
pretty nice with those multis. I'm already getting a little
image of whats to come.

2nd segment  - Wtf people. I was vibing with that first
segment. Mid-segment.... You killed flow here. Not a clean
kill. You still have the content moving forward at least.
I am also not digging the five bar scheme. What you do
is hurt the flow if you are not comfortable with writing.

3rd segment - OK, i like how the content is moving forward. Im enjoying
the story so far. Its pretty coherent. I think this segment felt a little forced and you could have manipulated and took out some vocabulary.

4th segment - You got alzheimers because you got into a car accident? Ok ok ok, im not gonna be that guy that has to pick apart a fictional story. Maybe in that universe, thats how you get alzheimers. Thespian is a fancy word for Actor. Your daughter practices her drama class by your bedside. That is what im going with ok.

5th segment - OK, as your last segment. i feel like you really made am effort to progress the story and to keep it coherent. The story alone was pretty nice. I was able to imagine and picture the story in my head when i was reading this. Mechanics and flow can be worked on and i felt you were off a syllable or two almost every other bar.



Overall - MVGT BATTLER 25. My vote goes to battler 25. The story was more persistant and i felt that he/she/hir/x/y/z had more control of the mechanics and progression of the story. I was able to imagine being that old hag of a lady.