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The Law 
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
 Topic: IC2 Round One: Battler 13 vs Battler 20 - 13 WINSPosted: 30 March 2017 at 3:08pm |
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Identity Crisis: Round 1 - 25-40 Lines - Best of 5 - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden - Wednesday April 5th, Midnight GMT time - Reserves if needed, Friday April 7th, Midnight GMT time Picture Topic  Edited by The Law - 30 March 2017 at 9:21pm |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 06 April 2017 at 9:13pm |
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Battler 13 Her movements were fluid and so graciously designed "Oh the decadence" he replied through his picky, yet tasteless eyes She was young and he was younger and flirtatious in disguise "You filthy animal" was the first thing to cross his disturbing mind But a gentleman approaches first, asks questions later And later questions his approach, a case of stranger danger? Perhaps that's the case but he's a true gent, full of mystique And she's the quiet type, one that looks at her feet Then gets scared! Jumps and she squeaks! "Hello weakness," he speaks. "I'm glad that finally we meet. My name is Bob but you may call me Christian or Pete I have a name for every dame, I'm a boss and very unique And you're the beauty that every pervert might need" All she heard were soft words, truly spoken with eloquence He's in his element, evident through etiquette and slight taste of arrogance Which is imperative to move the hearts of mannequins And because she's scarred and gets embarrassed quick A Gepetto could make her whole again, a damsel gets fixed And a rascal then gets her complete surrender, that's how easy it is An invitation to his mansion obviously couldn't be left behind It's dead inside... Guess that's what happens where death resides! She's weary but curious, wondering where the rabbit hole leads this night But also noticed the holes in the story this cute rabbit supplied She's on edge and he's getting more impatient by the minute Callously invites her to his inner sanctum where they're all little children And she's a hostage to his desires when he decides to live them "Mr. Bill collecter" she begged "At least allow me to caress my dignity" But he wouldn't hear it... Loaded his gun while looking at her chillingly "Willingly... Killing me... Misery... Please deliver me..." She whispered for the last time "I beg you! Please, have some sympathy" All she heard was a loud PO- |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 06 April 2017 at 9:13pm |
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Battler 20 So many a weakling, desperate for feeding Wearing masks and sporting weapons, proceeding To get into stealing, impressing their leaders In their underground systems, you'd never believe it If I told you they're just standard beggars but see this They're just small fries with nothing, begging to be big Hiding need with the attention of a fake message which sees 'em As a player, when they're really being played as a victim By the plague of the rich men which rid any poor sanes in a game for the twisted Make 'em addicted to earning so they can gain a slave in the rhythm Of everyone needing to wage big game to get a wage n a ticket For a "full-capacity" life, it really is blasphemy But then life is just a mask which death wears to bring agony Where everyone's a casualty, the devil's melting pot graphically Welded hot, we're all indoctrinated in fallacy With a fantasy that immortality can achieve it's way in strategy Foolish pawns we are, this ain't a game which can be played at face value It's like chess to higher powers, it's a trick to win the great battle 'Coz a king can only move in small strides so it plays haggle With anyone it can, man, I guess it pays to "fake scrabble" See, that 'both sides of the outcome' are victims, stray cattle In a notion controlled by greedy powers, an ocean of sharks which we play paddle It's like a horserace... The ones racing have no control - the horse nor the one on the lame saddle Masks and guns can't hide the truth, nothing can change that, you Can't do anything to escape your fate 'coz it's wrapped in eternal-grade shackles. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator
Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2227 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 07 April 2017 at 12:01am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Dope picture and another ill battle, yo Battler 13, This verse reminds me of a visceral version of 50 Shades of Grey lol. I like the progression and the development of the character and story. The "in his element" line was nicely descriptive. The girl's naivete was well presented. The issues I do have, thought, were flow and wording. Not sure if I'm reading it wrong but the scheme was very sporadic which effected the flow. There were also some awkward wordings. Ex: "Invitation to his mansion couldn't be left behind". Overall tho a nice little thriller with much personality. Battle 20, Nice topicla here. This maybe an analogy in the general sense but I seem certain allusions to stuff we do (hip hop websites). Ultimately it's all a mask. Persona. Styles. Demeanor. All relevant to the mask theme. Very interesting. The scheme and rhyme mechanics was good. This played off more as a topical than narrative piece. Also I'd like to mention the imagery and language was very nice. Vote/20. Despite a lack of conventional plot, the topic was interesting and mechanics was a little better than 13. and way to think out side the box. |
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-Que-
Standard Member 
Joined: 22 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 2745 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-4-1 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 07 April 2017 at 8:08am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Tough one. Loved the dialogue in the first drop and the cryptic imagery. Loved the second for better command of the plot. Both are superb in vocabulary and finess of the topical structure. Imo this could be a damn tie. Imma go with battler 20. Even as I write that I wanna switch to 13 lol. But imma stay wit 20 because I felt he/she had better control over the body and outcome of the drop. V #20 |
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member 
Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4375 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 07 April 2017 at 12:29pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 13: Gave a clear identity to both characters, seemlessly fitting speech in to the bars without making the verse sound disjointed - Which is props to the wording and structure. Liked the idea of using rabbit references to link in the picture, rabbit hole, etc. Verse showed great vocabulary, which meant that even when the story wasn't moving, it was still entertaining to read. Only real weakness was the ending. It seemed to end abruptly, which maybe was the effect you went for, but it was a slight anti climax for me. Battler 20: There were some strong points like the strong first couple of bars, and I appreciated that you switched up the rhyme structure to keep things fresh. However, in general, I didn't enjoy reading the verse. It was fairly vague, despite such an interesting picture to take influence from. And whilst the structure was switched up more than the first battler, it wasn't done well most of the time, either having short lines that were badly worded, or long lines which didn't have the flow or internals to not sound awkward. MVGT- Battler 13. |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 07 April 2017 at 6:41pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 13 My amigo, the unlucky one!! The terrible teens!! The bakers dozen!! No.13! Felt a clear rhythm, which was positive, and had a clear narrative voice/tone that ran throughout. You are clearly a natural story teller as this felt like a complete and cohesive story right the way through & the concept tied very well into the image. I really liked the inner sanctum where they were both children angle. That was real nice. Ending a little cliche, but I suppose it doesn't really leave you much room & tough within your story to really find an alternative conclusion...so I didn't mark you down too heavily on that front. Really enjoyed some of your word selection and techniques, for instance the element/etiquette/arrogance was real nice. Personally I felt you had real good command of language & actually you had really good characterisation, created a strong sense of intrigue and kept me interested throughout. Main critiques would be that I felt that although you had a rhythm it wasn't a real smooth overall flow and I didn't really feel like it read like a rap (which is what I look for myself). I also think you were a little guilty of forcing some of your details into rhyme...Christian or Pete came off as a little forced in that regard. Though I did like the idea he had different names for different gals. Overall I thought this was very good. There were some criticisms to be had, but overall I felt there was a lot more to like about this one than not. Good job. Battler 20 Ahhhh, mi compadre! The vision! daTruth! The proof! No.20!! Hmmm...not so sure on this one personally. As a verse I thought it was a good read, liked your rhyming and stylistically you had a mature approach but I struggled to really feel any connection to the story you were telling and I didn't really feel very engaged as a reader. Wasn't really much attempt at characterisation, which I think was a missed opportunity as you were given an image that has 2 very intriguing characters at a fixed point. I think you quite clearly contrasted to your opponent as they added in layers of characterisation and you went in the third person which really limited your effectiveness, for me. Ultimately it didn't feel particularly well connected to the image you were given which I felt was your downfall. Conclusion For me I felt like Battler 13 just had a lot more compelling of an offer...wasn't that there was anything particularly wrong with 20's verse mechanically I just didn't really feel like it was pitched in the right level or conceptual approach to really make me feel compelled to read more. So I'll go for Battler 13. Vote = 13
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member
Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2521 Crew: Tha Syndicate  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
Posted: 07 April 2017 at 6:57pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. VERSE ONE: I thought that this verse was consistant on topic and incorporated the elements of the picture very well. I liked how it had a dark and gruesome almost horror core type feel to it so the concept that they chose to describe the pick was creative and somewhat abstract in my opinion so i liked that about it. i felt in places that the syllabary was a bit off with some of the multi's but it only had a minor afffect on the piece as a whole. I loved the ending sequence as shown here : "Willingly... Killing me... Misery... Please deliver me..." She whispered for the last time "I beg you! Please, have some sympathy" All she heard was a loud PO- i thought that this was unique and hella dope. The imagery it depicted kind of braught the whole thing together which is a great way to end. i like how he put a personality to the charachters to the image it bringsa you in more and captivates you more when your reading because it is like a story. great imagery here as well. Over all good job i really liked this piece VERSE 2: OK, structure wise this verse was better than the other one. it was better worded, and had a more poillished smoothness to it. it utilized really good meta;s in there and content wise it was ok. but actually in this verse was my favorite bar of the battle: Make 'em addicted to earning so they can gain a slave in the rhythm Of everyone needing to wage big game to get a wage n a ticket For a "full-capacity" life, it really is blasphemy But then life is just a mask which death wears to bring agony this shit was hella dope right here and i really liked it. despite all this there are two things. 1. in my opinion this verse had absoloutley nothing to do with the picture and did not incorprate any elements of it what so ever and was very off topic. 2. it bored me. it was a task to read the whole thing and it did not captivate me at all. and for these reasons MVGT- VERSE 1 |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 10 April 2017 at 2:20pm |
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Battler 13 wins 3-2.
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