Open Mic: Alter Ego Elements |
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Slip 
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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 Topic: Alter Ego ElementsPosted: 05 December 2016 at 12:52am |
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Alter Ego Elements Crimson Juice I was made from Stella gas and dust,formed by gravity in which life puts trust, eventually I became a world with a crust,and produced metals that can rust, created via a big bang,when 2 strings collided and explode from it I sprang, quarks atoms and molecules prang,the Universe with time began to expand, where electric cables loop around,im safety due to a wire touching the ground, where only here can ears hear sound,3rd rock from a star called sol im found, from space im blue but im really brown,where roots burrow into me and down, look closer you'll see towns,further still mountains but from space there mounds, im the mud on your shoes after a downpour,the 1st element in a group of four, I vent and spew lava like sweat from a pore,I've also got an old molten iron core, im the giver Gaia with the lush Green turf,im also the cycles of organic births, where humans go online and waves they surf, im the element known as Earth, HI-Z I fuel desires and grant wishes. Come close and ease suspicions. You can conspire while I glisten. I Eat your secrets how delicious. I was born at night auspicious. Was torn from Thor than given. To the poor my offers oblivion. A reprieve from shades obsidian. I can change your composition. Get a taste and lose your diction. You got issues causing friction? I can slove em with some fission. Gaze upon me and have a vision. Above the earth I sit and listen. Hold my worth and your position. I gave birth to the solar system. Call me fire the stolen wisdom Sky Scrapur Watch, feel, pause and consider, cause when i'm on the move i go quicker, than cyclones when they blow niggers, and houses off coastal regions, you gon' need ya, eyeball behind a telescope to see what i'm made of, various gas particles in multiples, such multitudes, and their attributes could pause phobia on this altitude, i smell gratitude from every living organism, i'm the air you breathe, any attitude's a dead mechanism, i complete all ecosystems, all inhabitants rely on me, i'm the algorithym, problem solving element holmie, the oxygen in your system, inheritance to every heir, The unseen known that fills an empty space, the unfailing air. Slip all these alter ego elements combined into a recipe forms a visual explosion, a certain type of chemistry the key to lifes complexity the simplest necessity incredibly more essential than any type of weaponry on a hydrologic cycle floating toward my destiny the flow you cant stop it from going on endlessly you think im gone but im not, of coarse i just evaporated your looking at a shape shifting force that'll never be eradicated im the black cloud above your head when darkness starts to cover i strike a deadly flash of lightning cause a vicious crash of thunder in the moment when it hits you, thats when you discover im the ice beneath your feet threatening to take you under im the frigid water underneath tempting to make you suffer most abundant molecule known, more than any other ya'll need to find some cover head for high ground , you wont wonder why once people start to drown cause H20's the element my Alter Ego found when it rains it pours i always put it down |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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Concrete
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Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1424 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 05 December 2016 at 10:45am |
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Whoa crew drop in da house. Been a while since we saw one of these...
Let's break it down then..
CJ, pretty hefty drop from you here, you brought some really effective imagery that fits the overall concept well. I got this cataclysmic sorta feeling, a good thing indeed. im the giver Gaia with the lush Green turf,im also the cycles of organic births, where humans go online and waves they surf, im the element known as Earth, ^^ fresh as hell. Short criticism; you coud try experiment with shortening your sentences for the purpose of more smooth flow, that means cutting all excessive words. Overall - good shit. Hi-Z. Your contribution was hella easy to read and just follow the flow, like Crim you had that same calamity imagery going on. It's cool to see collabs working in unison. Your lines was not as fleshed out due to them being way shorter, I guess it's a fine balance between flow ad content.. As for criticism; drop the space between the lines please, and try playing around with adding in more general complexety. For instance with more rhyme finesse or just go further with each descriptive line. Good work overall. Sky Scrapur, pretty on-point verse for the collab, you also managed to paint a raw picture indeed. "I'm the air you breathe" - a simple yet effective statement made. Flow was aight, could perhaps do with some polishing of rhymes and such, in order to stand out from the regular crowd, however the story itself is cool as it stands. Nice job done. Slip, this worked well as a continauation of Scrapurs verse, as you have very similar style, here at least. With a longer verse you wrapped this piece up properly, this part was x-tra nice: the key to lifes complexity the simplest necessity incredibly more essential than any type of weaponry on a hydrologic cycle floating toward my destiny the flow you cant stop it from going on endlessly Flow and such pretty much on point, overall a good drop here also. As for criticism I would say you should try switch up the vocab more, look at all the lines starting with either "I'm", "you" or "your"- try instead do use more synonyms to spice that language further. Closing comment: The idea for the piece here was dope. It really gave off a vibe that ceertain elements are not to be fucked with in any way, shape or form. A solid collab for that part, technically you're all good writers, keep practing the arts and you may advance to outstanding. Keep at it, props. Edited by Concrete - 05 December 2016 at 10:56am |
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Sammy
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Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2227 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 05 December 2016 at 3:02pm |
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Aiiiittteee! Good to see a group collabo again. The concept was definitely creative and executions gave just the right flavor in this gumbo of Alter Egos
Crim, Bro, I've said this before and I'll say t again, the imagery game is gonna be yours to own. I really fuck with the part that Concrete quoted. What I noticed recently about ur style is ur choice of passive voice. There were multiple instances where instead of saying something in the linear sense you opted for a passive approach. At time it was effective but at other time it wasn't as necessary. An example was the "sol I'm found" bit. Once the wording and schemes are tightened it def gon be a monster in topical scene man. Truth. Hi-Z This was just enough. Great wording. Perfect amount of figurative language. A clear and concise concept that was carried by solid rhyme mechanics. Really like how each line was a terse descriptions of the effect, composition and allusion of things related to fire. (The Prometheus allusion at the end was dope). The only issue I'd point out would be a lack of intimacy. It started to sound like a list, resulting in a slightly monotone voice. There wasn't much of "You" for lack of better word. Don't let that tidbit fool u, ur verse compliment the piece as a whole perfectly. Well done. Sky, I'll risk being controversial but I think I would've been ok without reading "niggers" I don't know if u meant to write "niggas" and autocorrect made corrections but yeah I could have def live without that. But social sensitivity aside this was a great verse. The heir line was my favorite because it was a very clever play on word. I think of all the verse this was had the most swag. Very confident and very battle esque lol. Very cool techniques as I noticed this implementation of 'near' homonyms ex: attitude/altitude multitude/multiple. Word this was a solid addition to the collab Slip Good to see u writing again man, and a dope addition to the concept as well. Lots of dope punchlines tin this and love the wordplay at the end. The rhyme scheme was very solid. Not sure who had the stronger rhyme mechanics between u and Hi but another highlight was the wording. And again, as with all ur brethrens, this verse was littered with cool imagery. Ya kind of hard to assess a flaw due to the nature of the concept so I don't know lol. Overall great collaboration, gents. squad up! |
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Sky Scrapur
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Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 05 December 2016 at 3:45pm |
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Crazy Elements. I'm glad we finally managed to post this collab hahaha job well done bros. Dope, i'm proud of us
Thanks for the breakdowns Con and Sam, we are appreciate the feedback!. |
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Goryo.
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Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Posted: 05 December 2016 at 7:12pm |
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Good stuff from everyone involved. One of those topics you can have a lot of fun with. CJ: A shitload of different angles and concepts describing yourself, like mentioning earth-wires and being the mud on shoes after a downpour. Quite a godly vibe with you talking about how you were born with the universe and continue to create more, added to the grand feel of it which is fitting for the earth. A good mix of poetic imagery and bluntness. Really got me invested in what was to come. HI-Z: What I noticed the most was how you spoke about your good qualities but also how you can be dangerous. Again that's very fitting for fire, and the 'come close and ease suspicions' line helped tie that together nicely. Some aggression in there too like the Thor line and we all know how aggressive fire can be lol. The rhymes were good and consistent and yeah you're definitely elevating and becoming a really skilled writer. So credit where it's due, keep it up man good to see you pushing forward. Sky: Your last line was killer. The whole thing had an aggressive (and almost battle-like feel like Sammy mentioned). A lot of blunt lines like blowing houses off coastal regions etc but they fit the feel of it. Quite a 'fuck you I'm wind but hey you need me' thing going on lol. Good use of vocab too some tricky lines in there but you made it work. Slip: I like how yours starts as a kind of wrap-up for the collab as well as introducing yourself. The mention of ice was also one of the stand outs in this verse for me, could tell you had fun with this one. Going for the unstoppable route was definitely the backbone. The rhymes were prominent and consistent which helped it flow smoothly throughout, no problems with that at all. And This one bar really stood out to me: you think im gone but im not, of coarse i just evaporated your looking at a shape shifting force that'll never be eradicated Could've done well as a finisher but it fit there perfectly as a statement to kick off the second half. Overall a dope collab and it's good to see some crew collabs in here, especially when you're all bringing the heat.
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3263 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 05 December 2016 at 9:03pm |
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Concrete, Sammy, Goryo,thank you for the feed guys,plus taking the time to read aswell, i owe you all one,and Concrete, I will feed your piece for KOTM very shortly
as I've just believe it or not seen it, again thanks...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 06 December 2016 at 12:57am |
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Nice to read a crew collab again. I enjoyed the overall concept of this, definitely had that unique 'tone', which is intriguing to see, throughout.
Crim - I really liked your overall approach and the narrative you employed here. This was different in terms of voice, which Sammy already mentioned, compared to other pieces I've seen from you. Technical-wise, I also like how you tie in internals which are beneficial for the overall smoothness (due to the long bar style). Maybe you could try to use multis, which would make the read even more enjoyable. Content-wise, you definitely had some very interesting and original imagery here. I thoroughly loved the 'lush green turf' bit, as well as the bar about the core of existence/the universe reference. The narrative had a very calm, yet confident tone to it which is a great balance considering the broader theme of your verse. But I felt like there were some lines which could be reworded or removed in order to make it more effective. An example hereby is the 'I became a world with a crust' bar. It somewhat reads unnatural to me. Something like 'a crust emerged through solstitial turns, corrosion's spurt, as I became the monolithic world'. Couldn't think of anything better atm, but it's just a suggestion. Of course you'd have to change the entire scheme of that segment, so I'm just nit picking really. Overall, it was an enjoyable read with very intriguing imagery. HI-Z - I like how different your scheme is compared to Crim's. I enjoyed the direct and 'peculiar' tone in this, which definitely matched the core element of 'fire'. Your scheme and flow were well executed. I loved the ending, you said a lot with such few words, it's thoroughly great to see. The only critique I have is that this somewhat didn't have the 'unique tone' I touched upon in Crim's part. So it could be even more interesting if you could try to incorporate an original tone, which subtly reflects a 'part of you' so to say (for lack of better word). Enjoyable read overall, though. Sky - Haven't seen a verse from you in while now. The highlight here was the rather aggressive tone with a 'battle' element to it, as it's been mentioned already. I felt like your verse got stronger by every bar, with the closer being truly the highlight here, with very vivid imagery and a high degree of authenticity. The opening lines were decent in that regard. I also really liked the 'dead mechanism' bit, concept-wise. In terms of technical aspects, I think you could incorporate some multis just to enhance the readability. Nice work overall. Slip - I thoroughly loved the tone you employed here, it had a strong element of 'conclusion' to it, nicely matching your overall approach. The way you continued to use the 'battle' element from Sky's verse was also really enjoyable. You had some intriguing imagery, especially in your opening segment, which was a highlight of its own. I'm just not too fond of your end rhymes in that particular segment, as it can get repetitive (with regard to the 'y' endings). Also loved how you made the 'final' reference to the crew itself, tying in the numerous references of elements in a great way. Overall, this was a great concept for a collab. An enjoyable read. |
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 06 December 2016 at 2:39am |
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a lot of great feed back here thanks to everyone and Con i hear you bro def going to work on the vocab
i havent bin giving alot of feed lately very little spare time but i have bin using the star rating system, but i will try soon to return the favour ,, with that im going to also start a new crew thread containing the advice given so my fellow alter egos can look back keep track and elevate our skills HI-Z the newest alter ego brought that fire nice intro bro and great work boyz keep grindin
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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