Open Mic: First Love

My lifes been wasted, livin in my parents basement
no girlfriends to mention, love life’s always vacant
Today it all changes, in the strangest of places
after all our exchanges, we're no longer strangers
I enter the diner, but I cant find her?
I get nervous, I think I'll hide here
Takin a seat while I wait for my sweet
Fucks up with this heat? Im gunna deplete
scannin the menu, least Im pretendin to
Yelp reviews claim it's a great venue
Someone walks by, see her out the corner of my eye
mouths bone dry, I wanna die, why are guys so shy?
with a rebellious air you know this girl's rare
long blonde hair and a beautiful round pair
I'm full of desire as I check my attire
Star Wars T over the spare tire? This geeks on fire!
Quick re-ajust of the specs - it's a nervous reflex
Thinkin of subjects, damm datin's so complex
pressures increasin with time, I just wanna shine
Should have a witty line that'll make her mine
My slow advancin treasure prologin the endeavour
I just wanna be together while shes takin forever
Shes starts walkin over, I'm tryna keep my composer
As she gets closer I hear her utter... "Can I take your order?"

**Damn Scoot**
I kno this might ur most perfect 👌 piece.... But this was gud too... Sword was right u have some hidden talent... I was lookin up ur LA X verse.... 💐 Flows smooth and The content's cool.... Ur work is damn praiseful.. Overall U had Nice in ur manipulation in ur drop and Flow made it enjoyable... 🆒 Scoot

You've got really good flow actually. That's the first thing that stands out is that you aren't over wording or over writing at all and that's a massive bonus when you read anything.  That "Yelp" reviews line has brilliant flow and delivery and would actually sound great in audio haha.  Your rhyme schemes are nothing showy but you get a few multies in, you have a nice style of writing though with a very natural humour to it so it gives it a very entertaining read. Surprisingly, the humour combined with the very real topic makes you a charismatic writer in general, you're always tapping into that same sort of creativity as the better stuff by "The Streets" and I'd take that as a massive compliment.  You really should write a lot more, this proves you've got the ability to put out very good entertaining work.

This was a really good read. Your flow was great and your rhymeing in this piece is pretty good, good multis and I love the topic and your story telling ability. Over all this was a good funny read.

"I don't always drop OM's But when i do i get positive feed!" - Scotty32 aka the most interesting man in the world.

Scotty

This was hot

Liked the opener such a large expansion of description in short sentences

My lifes been wasted, livin in my parents basement
no girlfriends to mention, love life’s always vacant
Today it all changes, in the strangest of places
after all our exchanges, we're no longer strangers

That was dope

Haha your story telling abilities are advanced sure liked the diner scene how you mentioned the awkwardness as well

Laughed at the star wars attire line and how the geek was proud of it what an A

Lol wished you went on after she sat down it would have been funny my guess he is gonna fuck this up

Dope over all it was nice scanning your intimidating text with out being scolded haha good read

Thanks for the feed everyone. Pretty flattering to get such positive feedback from an open mic vet like Freeda.


Nomedic, I think you might of the 'punchline' at the end. I'll give you a hint, it's more of a "love from a far".


Backstory, I had this idea years ago but never got round to writing it until SS's challenge. The idea was to feed off of the idea old LA had of me, so some of the newer members might of missed that. So I guess it's more of a parody of my self, or the image some had of me.


I'll be going through feeding everyone who dropped for SS's challenge (fuck like-for-like feed), so give me chance and I'll get there. Anyone who feed's this but wasn't part of the challenge, drop a link to any of your open mics and I'll do my best to drop some feed.

Oh i didnt catch that at first the dudes obsessed with the waitress <img src="/images/smileys/smiley11.gif" align="middle" />

This was actually hilarious, writing from a perspective of what LA users view you as being like (i.e. a nerd who'd be useless with women ). I thought you nailed that aspect of it perfectly and the ending was pretty funny. You have a really unique style and it'd be good to see you drop more verses from time to time. 

hahaha who would of thought that scotty has some flow in him...good shit scoots...you also had some decent story telling in it as well...the structure was basic and simple but damn scoots whats up? drop some more shit...lol at the last line and how you ended it...props on this scotty...drop some more work my dude