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KidCharade
Newbie
Joined: 24 January 2008 Status: Offline Points: 2 |
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Topic: RankPosted: 31 January 2008 at 4:28pm |
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Dont do many topicals, more into the text field, but this specific piece is a topical
Nobody knows-the-pain, the dagger, his heart is a cold frozen-flame/
like the world around him is enclosing-pain, and still nobody knows-his-name/ his family is not-there, hes tired of living cause lifes not-fair/ the alcohol reeks in the hot-air, hes so drunk now he does not-care/ he mumbles-and-prays, talkin bout his whole life has been struggles-and-pain/ then his son walks in the door, and drops his books as he stumbles-his-name/ Dad, what are u doing with that gun-in-your-mouth? as his wife hears, she runs-in-the-house/ she starts to panic, then realizes the situation, so she goes over to hug-him-and-shouts/ no baby, please dont do-it, its so damn dumb, and its fuccin stupid/ if you died id probably lose-it, and our son, id probably lose-him/ i know our lifes are hellish, but killing yourself is so selfish/ and if i lost the both of you, i would probably kill myself-then/ |
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Fatal
Superior Member
...Wicked Wit Wordplay... Joined: 08 March 2005 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 6441 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-4-2 Form: WNNWWW |
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Posted: 01 February 2008 at 2:08am |
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You know how to rhyme and you show good skills wit multies...i suggest working on ya content to deliver a more creative piece with more emotion...im curious to see a battle verse from you...
Rank: Ama
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Stalin
Site Moderator
Joined: 24 November 2003 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2599 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 34-12-2 Form: LNWWLW |
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Posted: 01 February 2008 at 6:53pm |
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Ama got rhymin down, but some lines too long
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