Heat Wave: HW Topical (Rd 1) - Zinilli v Shankley |
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Cuba 
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Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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 Topic: HW Topical (Rd 1) - Zinilli v ShankleyPosted: 18 July 2015 at 4:02pm |
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"Headline round" - This round, battlers will be given a random newspaper headline and will have to write the "article" that goes with it in rap format.
Battle A "Headline Battle": Fire Destroys Crematorium Best of 3 votes from JUDGES |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 18 July 2015 at 4:04pm |
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Zinilli aka Zinaii
How could I be bettering myself? this was more of a hellish journey yet; I found it weird I'd grown accustomed to the smell of burning flesh These poor souls are burned daily; a treatment deemed unworthy Obscene, disturbing; each body I burned just seemed to curse me Fiendish certainly, describes the type of person for this job Like i was merging with a serpent; putting curses on the bods A burden on my mind, and I was struggling with the pain I couldn't silence the demons but felt the need for a muzzle on my brain So im Tempted to turn the flame past its predetermined temperature Pondering if Satan had planted these seeds that burned my mental up That was all that was left to do. At this point the plan was obvious to start To give this place the same treatment as the bodies it had charred The logic was irrelevant considering i'd had the hardest luck yet The next days newspaper read "creamotorium employee wanted as an arson suspect" |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 18 July 2015 at 4:06pm |
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Shankley
It was Christmas time... The crematorium officer had things on his mind Like gifts for the kids his family and his wife And it was around the time he was clocking for the night He didn't realise the faint aroma that was taking over He could have stopped the story but he didn't and this ain't over The gas was hissing from a dodgy fitting The only thing missing was a spark for ignition The officer went about and locked it all none the wiser Little did he know in only a few hours it would be engulfed in fire The blaze could be seen for miles around The heat so intense it had scorched the ground A spark from within the staff fridge was all it took A the point of ignition the ground it shook The initial explosion was of great calibre The media ran with "Crematorium Cremated: Irony Spectacular |
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4078 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 20 July 2015 at 10:15pm |
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Wrote a long ass vote and the page decided to refresh itself, so I'll keep this to the point.
Zin, good job creating a believable story. You had several strong points that varied in strengths. Some lines had strong messages, others had good messaged and great flow, and no lines really fell short or through things off. You took a generic approach but your details really gave it a fresh feel. Shank, you also did a good job making it a believable story. I liked how you withheld information such as the point of ignition to make the reader guess. I did feel, however, that some of your lines were very wordy. The few hours/engulfed in fire line was one that stuck out to me in a bad way. Also feel like you could have built upon the Christmas aspect as it was essentially forgotten after the first few lines. I liked your ending line, you definitely had the best article name lol. Overall, I feel Zin took this with consistency and an overall more vivid and believable verse. +1 Zinilli
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iLL ScriptureZ
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Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 22 July 2015 at 4:58pm |
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The topical choice was one that could've been played with. The headline of a story for the artist to develop. Shank, I felt reading your verse that it came off vague. You did bring a character in, and even sub characters with the wife and kids. But you just gave me his presence, nothing more. I didn't feel reading that your character gave me any emotion or senses. You mentioned the smell from the leak but, it was something he didn't notice. The description of the eruption of the crematorium was decent at best. Scorched the ground and seen for miles just really didn't give me, as a reader, much. Granted, it told me it was very hot, and clearly big. Zin, I thought you gave me more. The smell of flesh, your emotion towards the smell and the bodies. How you felt that doing this to the corpses really haunted you, and kind of made you go nuts until you set the place a blaze. I liked how you incorporated a version of the headline at the end of your piece. Zin for the win.
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Cuba
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Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 30 July 2015 at 6:10pm |
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Zin advances to round 2 to face the winner of Ill v Scoot
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