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The Law 
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
 Topic: IC Prelim: Dono vs E.V.P.Posted: 06 January 2015 at 12:00am |
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As votes come in I will hide them from view until the battle is over. You do not need to know the battle score until it's over, if it's still open that means it's available for votes. If you have anything to say, there is a discussion thread. |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 12 January 2015 at 10:36pm |
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Dono The Factory Today's the day. The day I pack up, leave the factory This awful place where every thing is maddening There's rules against leaving, only the fools stay believing Run their tools in the mainstream, repeating the same thing We work really hard, as in we work till we starve An isolated community where the crooks are in charge And I can't help but wait for night time to look at the stars Imagining the landscape when I push through the bars Leaders say it's nothing but a desolate wasteland Where you'll die, won't survive, and be lost in the place damned But I know better; the world is a graceful utopia For someone with courage it's just waiting to open up So once I stop my shift of constant shit, I'm breaking free And even if I'm wrong, there's nothing left they take from me Three days from the compound, sure they've noticed I'm gone now Quite the view, living there I never noticed the smog cloud So far all I've found is dirt, heat and an endless expanse Of brown mud, guess it's sort of true when they said it was bad But hell, I still see the place so I've mentally planned To keep going till that damn factory is left in the sand But now I'll see more, gotta focus on the ground and ignore The throbbing pain that both my feet are pounding and sore I found a new life! Freedom! So staying proud I push forward Wondering what bosses think now I'm not bound to their orders I'm really starving, rations I brought have totally dwindled Those painful feet turned in a great defeat, I'm woefully crippled My body has no remorse, it's now openly shriveled But I have one sign my hope could be tripled, if only a little There's a stump and a pump, which means water and life If I can just make it......so I push farther and hike To late to turn back, left with lonely desperation Here. I peer over the edge, to my only true salvation No. No. No. Nothing. But a dusty pit, and sludge water Tried to be optimistic but the scene made it much harder A message and several sets of skeletons, certainly human All it said was 'We Own Your Life' - Point perfectly proven |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 12 January 2015 at 10:36pm |
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E.V.P. Pause for a moment n reflect on the things in life we take for granted. |
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nomedic
Standard Member 
Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
Posted: 14 January 2015 at 6:01am |
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Dono Your plot was interesting the picture and your plot were in sync you touched on the factory in
the back ground the pipe leaking with blood and also the edge of the plain where you used your imagination I found that to be enterprising and you created a story from what you given really well Flow wise you didn't stretch any lines you had some cool schemes in there too Evp i liked your thought process in this one you made this one a wide topic you touched on technology and human beings ruining the earth with it which was cool cause the factory involves exactly that But at times I thought you focused abit too much on your rhymes as a result most of em were stretched remember that simplicity is sometimes the only complexity you could rely on dono story stood out for me and his word usage was nice because there wasn't any long lines that decreased his flows impact whilst Evp also had a nice plot but I couldn't say the same about his flow which looked abit too long in most of the areas Mvgt to dono |
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sage
Groupie 
Joined: 17 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 90 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-6-0 Form: WLLLLL |
Posted: 14 January 2015 at 3:15pm |
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Great battle it was very close and hard to judge but:
Dono: you had a great verse and you were very describtive throughout the verse tho I don't think you were very creative on this one you just described the picture in a story form which is good but you weren't very creative that's the major problem for me every thing else was quite good to me your rhyming was also good and it flowed well except for some places. But overall grwat job E.V.P : u went a whole ddifferent way than Dono where u didn't have a specific storyline and I guess that worked out well u had a good flow but some of your rhymes seemed pretty basic try using more multis but I really liked your verse. It wasn't easy to choose one for each one took a different path. Both were good but Mvgt E.V.P |
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Shankley
Superior Member 
Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
Posted: 15 January 2015 at 9:25pm |
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Dono: This is the first drop I've seen from ya and man I am impressed. You clearly have skills and this was a real nice read bro. I liked the storyline in this, it was a cool angle to go and you executed it very well. You had some nice Multis and your flow was so smooth it almost rolled off the tongue. I particularly liked the second stanza the most, the imagery was great and the choice of words was a nice touch. Altogether this was a great verse bro.
E.V.P: Awesome verse bro the amount you have elevated is crazy. You are doing your thing in straight battles and now you showing your skills with topical. I really liked ya verse, the amount of Multis you had was mental and ya flow was absolutely insane. It was so nice the flow, the vocabulary and story made this into a really great verse. You took a really different angle than Dono and it really paid off in my opinion. You executed really well, I particularly liked ya final stanza the most it showed off well a skills the most. Your metaphors were great and really added to an already great verse. Real tough one to call, I had to read through them both several times and with each read I'd change my mind on which I preferred but I have finally came to a final decision and that is.... MVGT E.V.P. |
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HollyPritch
Banned 
Joined: 21 September 2014 Status: Offline Points: 21 |
Posted: 15 January 2015 at 9:47pm |
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Dono- Is a good verse, nice structure, was just a little weak at points could have done with something to keep the reader interested and to provoke thought, but overall was alright:)
E.V.P- This is also a good verse, strong rhymes and structure, the story kept me engaged and was an interesting read had a truthful message that really outlined the picture MVGT- E.V.P the verse had more flow and felt more polished
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 15 January 2015 at 11:08pm |
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Dono - This was a good verse...only challenge I have is that the picture doesn't really look like it's a "three day hike" away, but that really seemed a minor detail within your story. Overall I really liked the approach you took, modern slavery angle and I think it tied really well into the picture theme. Liked your rhyming and phrasing/turns of expression. A couple of times it felt a little bumpy but other parts had a really good rhyme scheme and were really fluid. It was a good verse and an enjoyable read, I think you did a pretty good job all in all.
EVP - lines are too long, too heavy on the syllable count...means it doesn't read like a rap verse and it needs to. Was a shame in that sense because beyond that fluidity issue it reads quite cleanly, you just need to think about a more active rhythm rather than a passive one. Another problem, for me, was it didn't feel like you'd tied your verse to the picture like Dono had by the end of the first verse...you've clearly got a character presented to you & I think the way to go was to write a verse that is him telling his story, in his "voice" if you like...whereas you've really written this as a third person narrative, which means you lack a connection to the picture. There's a disjointedness there. It doesn't really improve from that point either...don't get me wrong, there are elements to the verse that I enjoyed, I liked your useage of literary devices to accentuate what you were saying...but I think in the end you showed you have potential rather than really wowing me. So yeah, this one is pretty clearly Dono's victory in my eyes...my wrote a verse that was far more connected to the picture (in my view) and had a more compelling/convincing approach. I also thought it was generally just a cut above in terms of execution, a lot more thought through and cleanly written. Vote = Dono |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 16 January 2015 at 2:38am |
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Dono - Very dope, deep story to grasp us as readers and I thought you ended it off perfectly. Your rhyme schemes were on point and it flowed well for the most part from start to finish. There were a few spots I thought were off that could use some polishing. But very well done verse to start off the prelims and prolly one of, if not the best verse that was dropped during the prelims. Descriptive detail and good imagery as well.
"Run their tools in the mainstream, repeating the same thing We work really hard, as in we work till we starve An isolated community where the crooks are in charge And I can't help but wait for night time to look at the stars Imagining the landscape when I push through the bars" This little section really rolled off the tongue. E.V.P. - I thought you had a good story as well. You had times were you really shined with your vocab and imagery but other times were I felt you were trying to hard to have a verse with expanded vocab and description that it hurt some of the lines in the long wrong when it came to the story itself. It flowed well for the most part, the longer lines and awkward wording gave a bump in the flow a couple times throughout the verse. "It’s true, truth is fallacy.. What is reality? ..Cause in reality, we act so fake. Might be shining bright for now but in the end it’ll just be radioactive waste." Favorite bar from your verse. I liked "garden of eden" line as well. MVGT: Dono - Dono's verse just really shined topical-wise in my eyes. He had very few mistakes, a great built on story and closed off his verse perfectly. E.V.P. had a great verse as well and definitely held his own here. Hats off to whomever takes this battle in the end. I can see either one of you surprising a few in the tournament. |
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Titu
Superior Member
Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 16 January 2015 at 10:53am |
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Dope battle. Dono: Im impressed. It was a beautiful piece. Thats how i see it lol you have the kind of writing style that never gets the reader bored. Simple and affective. The things I want to point , your flow was smooth. Your words selection was perfect and impressive. Imagery was sick. I mean.. It wasnt a very twisting story but your imagery was dope and kept me hooked till the last line. The verse was consistent. Usually people get a lil off in the middle part of their verses but you brought the same quality in every bar. I liked Your ending bars the most. Especially the last one. EVP: good dawg. I havent seen many topicals from you but from what ive seen, it is evident that you put a lot of work in this one. Your vocablary was better than dono. Imagery was really nice. I just felt it at some points that you tried to go overcomplex with the substance and it threw me off a bit. And then at some points, your flow stumbled. Im just being over critical for the sake of vote, otherwise I really liked what you tried to portray. Your opening and closing was the strongest for me. It was a really close battle and a tough one to decide. EVP is my dude and I know hes been working and elevating consistently. Dono also showed a nice display of topical skills. I think Dono endged it out because he had a better verse overall. I liked his rhymeschemes and his verse looked more polished technically. V/ dono Ps. The picture was dope. |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member
Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Posted: 16 January 2015 at 4:10pm |
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Dono - I liked how from the jump you involved yourself into the piece. Already made it personal to a sense of saying how awful the factory is. I liked how you finally fled & even though the current conditions are awful, its still better than the factory. That gave the factory a dominant definition of being horrible. I thought your rhymes were consistent. EVP - You took an interesting approach here. The vision you had here was original as fuck. How society is basically headed to the ultimate demise as a people. Which, you grasp instantly from the picture. This was a complex topic to be able to deliver. I think you executed it well. I got the technology, future & interpersonal battles out of this. Overall - Another tough match up here. Each of you came with your own take. I thought originally the first battle I voted on was going to be the hardest. I was wrong, this one may be the closest of the 3. I have to weigh my preference for story vs the originality of another. Man that's tough.. Geez man, it sucks you have to pick one over the other. That's what this is all about I guess. But I have to stay consistent my belief of make a topic relatable through characters and plots. While, arguably both of you had this, I felt one was more prominent in that department. Props to both of you. MVGOT - Dono
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 16 January 2015 at 8:48pm |
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Dono wins
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