Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 3 vs Battler 14 [3 Wins] |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Topic: IC2 Round Two: Battler 3 vs Battler 14 [3 Wins] Posted: 10 April 2017 at 7:09pm |
Identity Crisis: Round 2 - 20-60 Lines. - Best of 7 - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden - Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time TOPIC In the link below is your topic/round theme. |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 12:10am |
Battler 3 I can't recall
a time before I had evolved the winter months became a catalogue that I would track like the hunters scent feel it in the air like an atom bomb all this back and fourth dodging traps regular cops and robbers analogue i've ravaged farms trampled crops before the atoms eve and the bitten macintosh it feels we've had this clash that I can't put off these are my woods, now scamper on. you were hired to expire me but failed to adhere to the hierarchy you're hunter, but I am hundreds time more proficient for it is in my genes I see farther, my heart beats harder I can go weeks without needs if you even sneeze it makes my eardrums peak like a thousand feet marching and you plan to defeat me?! nonsense! stupid human, so amusing in your conquest. the moment was chosen I would expose 'em to the tundra where his lungs would struggle to open and close with the force of the ocean I led him for two days, through my home where my roots lay, to meet his doomsday my growl grew great, the rumble sent shockwaves the hunter stood frozen with a quasi stark gaze this is it fuckface. final resting place. I leaped, he flung his cloak briskly revealing a silver lined tipped spear clinged clinched teeth. no fear. lunged it into the air we both exhaled, as it hit me, sheer dispair this can't be. in the words of B.I.G, my wills weak. he kneel'd beside me. and whispered in my ear you were birthed from my grandmother Lucy I promised my mother I would find her brother and reverse her fathers deal for a new breed before we ever met, we were family. and in death, I bring that back to reality. be still, and gradually you'll return to where you were meant to be still born, you were given this life to kill more but God has chosen, what was awoken wasnt man, but a werewolf. rest in peace Uncle. this is farewell. |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 12:10am |
Battler 14 Rotten to the Core A rookie on the beat, first time on the street Poundin the concrete with fresh leather on my feet Partnered with a veteran, some say a livin legend Never comes second, best there was they all reckon Forty years on the force, an goin through his fourth divorce Old school of course, with no remorse for excessive force More like an old race horse who’s had his day, all tired an grey been puttin more donuts away, than crooks kept at bay While on patrol our paths cross troll out on parole One sight of us an the arsehole bolts for his foxhole I follow suit, now en route for the dastardly brute But my partners slow to uproot, reluctant join the pursuit Been runnin for a while, surely its been a mile? Suddenly with a smile the perps down an aisle As I turn the corner, I witness in horror the cons slaughter The shadowy figure, an unknown killer, just gone in a flicker My first month as copper and its gettin stranger and stranger I expected the danger, but not crimes that defy the laws of nature, I’ve been racking my brain, but these crimes can’t be explained The streets are bloodstained from a monster that can’t be contained Crooks killed in broad daylight, but no witnesses in sight A vigilante ready to fight, the streets gained their white knight Always escapes with grace, evading the chase Vanishing without a trace, nobodies ever seen his face On the beat again, these streets I reign Surveyin my domain I hear a man in pain I race to the scene, this is far from routine Another scream from a crime unseen As I arrive at the location, I witness the violent mutilation Above a corpse hangs a dark formation, the vigilantes incarnation As he turns to face me, my eyes focus tighter and I see the old timer The last sight I see, my partner fire, as I lay dying in the alley |
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-Que-
Standard Member Joined: 22 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 2745 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-4-1 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 9:11am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. B3 : I really liked the layout on this one. Short lines trigger a momentum change , you experience imagery faster. Changes the pace. "the moment was chosen I would expose 'em to the tundrawhere his lungs would struggle to open and close with the force of the ocean" <---- Shit was well built The story was pretty easy to navigate. The rhyme schemes were up and down but didn't really affect the outcome of the plot. I loved the dramatics in where B3 faced off and began to size up the hunter. I didn't expect the W/W to get his cap peeled back but he did. Nice !! B14: LOL....I swear , I read this piece, I pictured a NYC backdrop with a old school Vice detective type vibe. It had all the elements of a grimy Max Payne type mission. I dunno why but I loved this line : "While on patrol our paths cross troll out on parole One sight of us an the arsehole bolts for his foxhole" ha ! Simple yet hella effective....The reader automactically gets to move easily thru the imagery and build his/her own idea of what that crook might look like. Theres far too many elements to tie up in this single verse. But I see why you had to cram as much in as you could. Loved the concept of a mysterious vigilante that may or may not be supernatural. Most Likely supernatural...but you , the cop, doesn't really believe such things exist. This would be a good OM series. My vote goes to B3 ...Nice job both |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 10:05am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 3.. Well this rhyme scheme is different here,i like it,gives the impression of purpose on reading,i must be honest i found your contents to be fresh and orignal from start to finish,using alternatives via wording was a nice inclusion,(ie,replacing apple with Macintosh),the little things that add to a piece which often go unnoticed really,but when their used it builds a verse and injects character or makes it a feature,also the short line route makes for effortless reading and heightens flow too,your imagery was ripe i thought,the short lines are actually saying quite a lot which is not an easy thing to accomplish,as the reader has to fill on the blanks to get the depiction here,which I thought was a subtle but a creative move,the story was a well versed one on the whole (a werewolf),but pitting family members against family was solid,the nephew being the hunter and uncle the Beast,and the twist with the role reversals the hunter being hunted was nice,the story was good,a family so to type dealing with its mistakes and problems and then rectifying them themselves,a real interesting and enjoyable read,good work.. Battler 14.. First off i'm liking your inner rhyme scheme here,for me it shows a certain depth in vocab,as the pool of words used to do this can dry quick and fall flat if you don't have that range to achieve it,the details you supplied here were working well,a new recruit,i could picture his new shoe gleaming his uniform freshly pressed with sharp creases and all,i also liked your take on this subject and the story progression too,ended up being a vivid scene you set overall,plus you applied it to a modern theme and time via a police force and environment (city),I also liked the inclusion of a rookie cop who is becoming more adept due to time spent on the beat,I'm feeling this verse with its Slick flow and contents,the ending was good,but in truth a little lack lustred in a sense,I had the feeling it was his partner early in the verse,he seemed to calm and calculated with the job at hand,whilst the rookie chases shadows he seemed to remain nonchalant, with that typed it doesn't affect this verse as per say,it just became somewhat for me predictable,all in all you had a good concept with nice angles that you worked well on the whole,this is some vivid and smooth writing here,that i again enjoyed reading, good offering here.. Overall,solid and even tussle here,i expect the voting on this will be a seesaw affair,as this is going to boil down to preference,both of you did you thing well in this topical battle,I really got a kick from both offerings,so huge props guys,but my vote goes to the battler who had the better flow and detail,as this is all I could use to separate you both.. Vote...Battler 14...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Kiki Spirez
Superior Member Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 12:58pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 3: This was insane. Your rhyme structure was creative, well thought out, and kept me interested. Add to that, you managed to keep a coherent story which was entertaining and was something more personal than 'omg a monster'. I know from experience that it's easier to keep it vague and abstract when writing for a shorter and more complex rhyme scheme, but here, you kept focused and didn't let the story disappear in to the technique. This part was my favourite, and some of the best bars i've read in this competition- dodging traps regular cops and robbers analogue i've ravaged farms trampled crops before the atoms eve and the bitten macintosh Battler 14: Basically, if this verse had been on Open Mic, I would've read it, enjoyed it, and left feed complimenting the great story. However, you were following a very creative and complex written piece. So as much as I liked the story, the rhyme structure felt too ABC after what came before. I also think that your second paragraph wasn't worded very well, and diminished the flow of the piece - It came across that you got too wrapped up in keeping the same rhyme scheme, and sacrificed good wording and story telling. Very close, but MVGT- 3 |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 21 April 2017 at 1:30pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. First vote for me and yeah this is def good. 3, wow! This was fuckin dope man. Great character development. I liked that the character development coincide with the plot development. It wasn't just a character sketch per se. The wording was on point. I didn't detect any awkward phrasing, so awesome job! I know first hand when telling a story it's almost impossible to NOT get caught in awkward phrasing. I like the voice u spoke in; the perspective of the monster is always more interesting than the hero tbh. Well done. 14, very nice thriller. The old/young pairing trope has been popularize by many Folsom and tv show. It i this is my first time reading a verse on it lol. So this piece spoke of a newbie whose youthful inquiry landed him in trouble. Curiosity kill the cat theme taken with much poetic license lol. The issue I had with this was the flow. It was off and on to me. Certain instances it flees like water, at other time, it felt like it was missing a syllable or two. But overall not a bad showing my friend. Vote/ 3. I felt three not only told a good story, but the execution was what took it for me. Flow was perfect. Wording was great. 14 def gave a fight. I actually like their story better. |
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Amgin
Groupie Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
Posted: 22 April 2017 at 4:17am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 3 Mmmm Mm I wanted to love it. Idk. The short verses were a decent plan. But to have short lines like that they gotta be 100% or it's just point form bullet note type reading without any rhythm Story line was good. The monster hunter was a good story, but the ending felt a little mellow dramatic for me. Battler 14 The structure was nice, you kept consistency throughout the whole verse. Although rhyme scheme was on point, it felt predictable, the rhyme words and placement became too formal and it lost the flow for me. MVGT battler 3 Minimalism paid off IMO, some strong lines, nothing that blatantly halted the story. It may of been a bit risky to write in that style but it paid off |
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
Posted: 22 April 2017 at 7:01am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. this was kind of an easy one for me to be honest ! No offense. VeRSE1: your flow was all over the place for me and the structure was all fucked up for me to no offense. It was s crazy all over the place I didn't even really pay attention to the story the first time I read it and for me that pretty much totally defeats the purpose of a topical verse which is mainly all about the concept and essence of the story lien and the way of which it is delievered. The second half of the piece was a lot better then the beginning and I feel that you were able to end better then you started with a more clear story line and you used a more descriptive and improved delivery when painting the picture with the imagery but it still fell flat to me. It felt almost more like a haiku poen rather than an atmospheric/necro story teller type rao verse feel which to me is the ideal essence stylistic wise you not necessarily should shoot to copy or duplicate but to embody rather put. Over all I think you should have put some more time into making the piece more cohesive and smooth by adding in more descriptive words imagery and emotion setting type vocabulary to put the story together better. Mediocre submission here. Verse two: it think that flow wise your verse was a lot better as well as structure wise. Your flow was much better put together with a solid center pointe character that was used for the concept basis. Much morr clear concept wise and the element of the story telling aspect was definitely strong with presence. You had good use of multis but could of thrown ina bit more metas and perhaps a bit more of a complex vocabulary choice I think it would have brought it to the next level. My biggest critique is I don't feel like you really hit the nail on the head with the story you chose to itteriate in your piece as far as how well it fit under the category of what the topic was for this round ....definitely was a little bit off as far as it's relevance concept wise to the assigned subject matter it should have held. Otherwise much better verse then your opponent overall just in general from a personal prefers view point This is why MVGT VERSE/BATTLER 14 |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 26 April 2017 at 2:24pm |
3 wins
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