Open Mic: last day of school |
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Cain 
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Joined: 11 March 2014 Status: Offline Points: 83 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-1 Form: LWWN |
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 Topic: last day of schoolPosted: 01 June 2014 at 4:33am |
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Wake up, all smiles, the day every teen dreaming of...... open dresser, grab a T, boxers, seemed jeans n Lugs.... Get a shower, gear up, head downstairs for breakfast...... broken home, great mood, not even their frowning stares'll wreck this... Tick tock, check the clock, oh man I'm late in my mind.... out the door, chase the bus, I hope I make it this time Bus stops, students cheer, its got me wondering harder... jocks laugh, puddle splashes, now I'm covered in water Bus leaves, I'm soaked, guess now I'm walking to school... cheerleader, say hi, but shes never talking to fools... Get slapped, embarrassed, goin in and im tripped in the halls... first class, quiet chuckles, then I get kicked in the balls Big laughs, crying hard, now I gotta head to the nurse.... she smiles, then giggles, I swear I bet that I'm cursed Needing help, ignored, she says no chance for you chump... hours pass, I snap, get my bag advancing to lunch Lunch room, big applause, I think its time I'm testing you pricks... Open bag, grab the K, now here's the lesson you dicks!!! Automatic, open fire, this amongst the loveliest sights.. Ex girl, gay lies, I'll put a fucking slug in the dyke She's begging, he's pleading, all the kids that I'm clapping... Sports jock, he's crying, dump a clip in the captain Hear a siren, leave a mark, think your better you thugs.. say goodbye, leave a note, write a fucking letter in blood Living hell, all of you, this blast aimed at you... gun at my head, tears on my cheeks, this was my last day of school......BOOM!
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iLL ScriptureZ
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Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 01 June 2014 at 12:51pm |
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I had an idea where this concept was going, I was going to do a similar piece but I may scratch it. Though I enjoyed the content, I thought more could have been done. I'm not disappointed or satisfied if that makes sense. Your Multis were basic but they were there. And the way you delivered it, the tone, it didn't need to complex. It was a casual approach, that part I did enjoy. What made this a little awkward for me, believe it, or not, was the, ton of, commas, you used, in each, line. I know when I write or read a comma is used for a brief pause. I'm not sure you needed that here. Also I think it was more noticeable because each line was spaced as well. Threw the flow through a loop and didn't really complete itself. Or find it's own rhythm if you will. Could be just me, or than that this wasn't bad by any means
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hohae
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Joined: 09 February 2014 Location: nebraska Status: Offline Points: 276 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-2-0 Form: WLWL |
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Posted: 01 June 2014 at 1:31pm |
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this was a good read man, I did like the commas, I was able to catch the flow with it , though in some parts to use that flow the wording should have been different because it made it kind of choppy. but for the most part it was fluid .. cool shit. plus I liked the story progression, maybe could have done a lil more to build up to it, but it wasn't bad at all, kept my attention throughout.
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Cain
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Joined: 11 March 2014 Status: Offline Points: 83 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-1 Form: LWWN |
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Posted: 01 June 2014 at 2:31pm |
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appreciate the feed, and yea Ill I get what your saying. I just didn't want people reading the line straight through when the flow I had in mind was like this this and the rest for the lines.
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 01 June 2014 at 2:45pm |
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Actually I gotta say between this one and the last one I gave feed to your flow's got incredibly smooth. You're really economical with your word choice and it really helps, this shit flows perfectly over a beat so great job with that. Your rhymes are on point, could possibly have more complex schemes but this piece actually doesn't really need it, you developed this well. Best advice I can give is probably to think of your internals and transitionals, as they can make your flow more interesting rhythm-wise. I like the style of an even flow with a multi string at the end of each bar but adding a little internal scheme or a transitional rhyme drop every now and then will give it a little bit of a style improvement. Generally though I really enjoyed this. A definite improvement on the last one.
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Trizzy Tre
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Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Posted: 01 June 2014 at 10:00pm |
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Interesting verse Cain. I haven't checked your written besides our battle...But this was nice. I liked the commas in there and how well it worked with the flow. Def was a good idea to throw them in. Cool shit. Props
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Cain
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Joined: 11 March 2014 Status: Offline Points: 83 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-1 Form: LWWN |
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Posted: 02 June 2014 at 6:16pm |
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appreciate the feedback, good shit y'all. Thanks for replies and thoughts.
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