Open Mic: [OMKOTM] Its More than Money Monster
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AshleyKaos View Drop Down
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Form: LWLLNQ 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AshleyKaos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: [OMKOTM] Its More than Money Monster
    Posted: 07 May 2016 at 3:44pm
She is a Trailor Trash White Bitch who was beaten by her Dad.
When She Thinks’ about the past she gets sad and that makes her mad !
So she just acts rash’ and likes to smoke on white dope by the Bag
Just Some Turnt Out hag that’s no High School Grad’ Workin Sunset Ave.
On the Corner milkin’ the Track, She arches her Back and sticks out her ass
She Boulevard “Nav’s” in heels that click clack like Meth that crack’s back
See this bitch has another Addiction but it’s one that she never mentions’s …
Her job description more vivid then Sex friction, so sicknin’ She Forfeits the Pension
The flash backs to graphic visions is fixed with money and Blood from the victims
A Seductive Mistress Type of sex kitten takin’ throats to slit them off her hit list
She loves listening to the blood gargle and fizzin’ and it is worth what she’s riskin’
 In a Position that pays best when she wears Fish Nets and Red Lipstick on her mouth
She gets a great pay check when her tits fall out of her unbuttoned blouse
Somehow though, tonight seemed Different memory’s reminiscing again….
She Said “Fuck it Ill Just Convince Him Then” addressing insecurities within  
Turned around, got her purse in leopard print & Left Huntin’ for Life to end.
Eyes sweeping the streets she thinks “Yes, There he is” seeing him
A tall dark Armenian told her to come over to the Kia he was sittin’ in
He said “How much an hour to fuck that Pussy till it turns Blue “
“Well $150.00 but if it’s true that’s how you do then let’s make it two”
“I can pay the price” is what he said with his eyes.
Too bad tonight would be the last night of his life.
Fast Forward She’s Got Him Hanging upside down from a tree
She took him to a place no one could see where she kills frequently
She got her fix cut open his neck and cut off his dick slow and gruesomely
Yet this time when she went to flee she didn’t leave behind a clean scene
Tonight she left her prints in the car, her scheme clear to see
“Dam, she thought “Why didn’t I bring the fucking gloves with me”
The Next Day There was a knock, her sister answered the door
They said that her husband wasn’t going to come home anymore
She cried & screamed and collapsed to the floor.
Maybe she could endure it more knowing last night he bought a whore.
Then they put my hands behind my back, but I felt no remorse….
It’s been months that I had been gunning to torture that corpse…
I smiled at her one last time before they took me away…..
Mom would always say Id amount to something great one day……
NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Droidian View Drop Down
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Form: WWLWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2016 at 10:30pm
hi there. ..new guy..just wanted to offer some comments. .i think you really have good continuity through this. .it prises well and flows logically. .there is a nice mix of repetitive rhymes that follow the scheme that finish each line.   so i think this could be edited into something that really hits well..

so if i did have any issues with it. ..it would be that sometimes the scenes were a little too simple. .i think that there is a strong narrative here and that the schemes should reflect that. ..also, some of those internal rhymes that reflect the end rhyme get in the way of your meaning...there is a lot to say about substance over style.   lastly, i felt that some of the end rhymes didn't line up...i'm referring to where you will having the suffix of a mutu-syllabled word coupled with a single...ie. door/anymore, corpse/remorse, frequently,gruesomely, ckean scene...

that all said, a lot of this can be slipped through in a recording, but is obvious on the page..

like i said earlier. ..i think this a solid early draft of something good
props
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Form: LWLLNQ 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AshleyKaos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2016 at 2:20am
An early draft dam I worked on this for hours and tried to use people's advice...dam thanks for the feed though
NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Form: WWLWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2016 at 2:45am
Originally posted by AshleyKaos AshleyKaos wrote:

An early draft dam I worked on this for hours and tried to use people's advice...dam thanks for the feed though


i know the pain of the rewrite.. i guess it comes down to what you ultimately want from it.

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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Juicy Debt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 June 2016 at 5:18am
Sorry for the thread necromancy but I am trying to earn some rep so I can at least battle.

This is not that great. The rhyme scheme is all over the place mostly due to the amount of syllables per bar and the simplicity of the words you have used. This does not undermine the content of the story, but does make it hard to read with a flow. Shorter sentences and proper formatting will help fix these problems, eg;

She is a trailor trash white bitch beaten by her dad./
She thinks about the past, gets sad and that makes her mad//
So she just acts rash, smoke on white dope by the bag/
Some turnt out hag that’s no high school grad’ working sunset ave//

Very minor changes can really help the flow of your rhyme scheme and by dropping syllables from your sentences you can improve how easily it reads, which in turn will make it easier to perform. You can see I have added / //, this helps determine where your bars sit and make it easier to count your syllables and also to help with set-up and punch.

I hope this helps in some way. I like where its going and for a draft its pretty solid. Try working on that format and tighten up those rhymes. Just a big note though. You have capitals all through this and its annoying as hell to read.

I dig the content. props
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