Open Mic: Story - What if..

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mcwoods View Drop Down
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    Posted: 30 January 2008 at 6:39pm

smallest things can shape the world….

a man awakes and goes through his morning routine
shit, shower, shave, and brushes his teeth till they clean
puts on his blue suit, and heads for breakfast at leisure
enjoys his meal, he's in good time, decides he can leave whenever

the same man, flash back to sleeping, awakes from bed
put this time decides to hit his alarm, sleep for another ten
unfortunately misses the next call, and awakes so late
grabbing things, running to the door, "oh fuck this is great"

flash back again, decides to sleep for another ten
though this time gets up, when the alarm rings again
same routine, same suit, but rushing for breakfast he slips
a split in his blue suit, so back to the wardrobe... the green one he gets...


……………………………………


”fuck im so late” he says, so I can’t stop for my usual
no time for the coffee shop, how he can be so stupid’s confusing him’
he fly’s by in the car, hoping to catch up some time
”shit, still 20 minutes away” and its already nine

now he in the coffee shop, enjoying a donut and drink
decides he has time to go to the bank, to sign papers he thinks
as he waits in the queue, a masked robber appears
grabs him as a hostage, one of the worst of his fears

now he waits in the same coffee shop, but checks his watch
realising how little time he has got, but his stopped
an old friend recognized him, noticed they had on the same green suit
so now he’s stood chatting, having a hoot
….. he has to say goodbye, but his routine his been ajared
as he hasn’t had time to finsih his coffee, as he heads towards his car
 
……..

*bang*, the gun goes off, hits him in the spine
thought he’d be safer, running ahead of time
but now he lays dying, in the blood he’s shed
thinking back on his thoughts, of spending another minute in bed

he arrives at work cursing himself, late for a meeting
thinking his boss is gonna  kill him when he see’s im’
good timing it seems, as the boss had just left
missed a certain firing, so he sighs a deep breath

holding his coffee between his legs, driving is hard
goes to finish his cup, looks away…… SMASH* goes the car
he himself is badly hurt, his head is spinning
but doesn’t realise the horro he’s cause a car, with a full family in it

…..

a phone call to the wife, as tears are shed
theres something happened her husband, im sorry he’d dead

In work doubts about his luck have crept in
wondering what would have happened if he hadnt slept in

in a courtroom, the man looks like he’s wilting
sentenced to 25 years, as the verdict is guilty

……..

The man is in bed, having chose to go ou the night before
knows he wont make it into work, as his feet hit the floor
feels the pain in his head, feels like hes cursed
“oh  god, this day could not get any worse”

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Fatal View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Fatal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 12:43am
Woods, this was fuckiin dope. I usually hate reading open mics cuz its the same ol shit and im very disinterested in open mic verses but i usually jus feed em anyways but this was tight as fuck. The idea of 3 storys in one with different scenerios side by side was very creative and the storys were stopped in sections that left the reader wondering what was gonna happen. Very good.
 
There were only two small minor things that caught my eye. One was the last two lines of the very first two bars. "Leisure" and "Leave whenever" dont rhyme lol.
 
The second was the order of the two verses in the second section. I kinda got confused and had to re-read the whole thing and i realizes that you had mixed up the two sections:

”fuck im so late” he says, so I can’t stop for my usual
no time for the coffee shop, how he can be so stupid’s confusing him’
he fly’s by in the car, hoping to catch up some time
”shit, still 20 minutes away” and its already nine

now he in the coffee shop, enjoying a donut and drink
decides he has time to go to the bank, to sign papers he thinks
as he waits in the queue, a masked robber appears
grabs him as a hostage, one of the worst of his fears
 
Anyways, i dont know if the two verse i quoted were supposed to be switched in order? with the second suppose to be first?
 
But yea, those were the only things, but props on a great read, and very very creative drop.
 
...1


Edited by Fatal - 31 January 2008 at 12:46am
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mcwoods View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote mcwoods Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 10:57am
thanks fate, eh na they were meant to be in that order, the order was meant to conitually swap to show how the events were interchanged, flashing back or fast forwarding in some cases, leaving the reader having to work out which time sequence was taking place, and that changing a suit can land you 25 years in jail.

thanks tho man, means alot to get some decent feed.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote U.N.L.M. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:16pm
Agree with Fatal, this was mad dope though it could help if ya proofread Tongue
These two bars

Originally posted by mcwoods mcwoods wrote:


he himself is badly hurt, his head is spinning
but doesn’t realise the horro he’s cause a car, with a full family in it

a phone call to the wife, as tears are shed
theres something happened her husband, im sorry he’d dead



In the first one i think ya missin' a couple words on the second line and in the 2nd bar it says i'm sorry he'd dead when it should be i'm sorry he's dead..Little things like that throw me off when reading(and there were more instances) but it's a small thing to nitpick at...I thought that the fact that the guy who was slightly late from hitting the snooze once was safe while the one on time died was a cool idea( I would've done the same) and the one who was really late just got jail..Is the moral of the story to only hit the snooze once?? LOL  Just a dope job..Kind of reminded me of the Joe Budden song "3 Sides To A Story"..If ya haven't heard of it i'd suggest listening to it...Keep droppin'...




Edited by U.N.L.M. - 31 January 2008 at 3:16pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote mcwoods Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:27pm
thanks alot man, ano what your saying seen some mistakes myself, but what ya gonna do lol, tho the late guy gets away with it, the early guy gets killed and the slightly late guy gets in jail. may have to read again lol. thanks alot.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote U.N.L.M. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:31pm
lmao! I'm telling you about your mistakes and then my whole feed was wrong lol..Guess the moral of the story then is to sleep in or don't change your suit color...I think it was the way you structured your verse(like Fatal pointed out) that i actually confused myself feeding too fast..shame on me...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 5:46pm
One word....Dope *wonders how many people will be shocked*

General content was dope, and had me wanting to read on, idea was creative an you pulled it off well...impressive
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote mcwoods Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 5:54pm
thanks guys.

been a movie idea of mine for ages, thought i could make it into a short story kind of piece.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Swift Styles Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 January 2008 at 6:24pm
it was dope no doubt, my only this was whan UN said, making the story line up each 1st part matching the second insted of that second section being a lil scrambled around. but shit yea this was a good drop
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