Open Mic: Story - What if.. |
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mcwoods
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Topic: Story - What if..Posted: 30 January 2008 at 6:39pm |
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smallest things can shape the world…. holding his coffee between his legs, driving is hard |
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Fatal
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...Wicked Wit Wordplay... Joined: 08 March 2005 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 6441 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-4-2 Form: WNNWWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 12:43am |
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Woods, this was fuckiin dope. I usually hate reading open mics cuz its the same ol shit and im very disinterested in open mic verses but i usually jus feed em anyways but this was tight as fuck. The idea of 3 storys in one with different scenerios side by side was very creative and the storys were stopped in sections that left the reader wondering what was gonna happen. Very good.
There were only two small minor things that caught my eye. One was the last two lines of the very first two bars. "Leisure" and "Leave whenever" dont rhyme lol.
The second was the order of the two verses in the second section. I kinda got confused and had to re-read the whole thing and i realizes that you had mixed up the two sections:
”fuck im so late” he says, so I can’t stop for my usual no time for the coffee shop, how he can be so stupid’s confusing him’ he fly’s by in the car, hoping to catch up some time ”shit, still 20 minutes away” and its already nine now he in the coffee shop, enjoying a donut and drink decides he has time to go to the bank, to sign papers he thinks as he waits in the queue, a masked robber appears grabs him as a hostage, one of the worst of his fears Anyways, i dont know if the two verse i quoted were supposed to be switched in order? with the second suppose to be first?
But yea, those were the only things, but props on a great read, and very very creative drop.
...1 Edited by Fatal - 31 January 2008 at 12:46am |
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mcwoods
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Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 10:57am |
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thanks fate, eh na they were meant to be in that order, the order was meant to conitually swap to show how the events were interchanged, flashing back or fast forwarding in some cases, leaving the reader having to work out which time sequence was taking place, and that changing a suit can land you 25 years in jail.
thanks tho man, means alot to get some decent feed. |
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:16pm |
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Agree with Fatal, this was mad dope though it could help if ya proofread
![]() These two bars
In the first one i think ya missin' a couple words on the second line and in the 2nd bar it says i'm sorry he'd dead when it should be i'm sorry he's dead..Little things like that throw me off when reading(and there were more instances) but it's a small thing to nitpick at...I thought that the fact that the guy who was slightly late from hitting the snooze once was safe while the one on time died was a cool idea( I would've done the same) and the one who was really late just got jail..Is the moral of the story to only hit the snooze once?? Just a dope job..Kind of reminded me of the Joe Budden song "3 Sides To A Story"..If ya haven't heard of it i'd suggest listening to it...Keep droppin'...Edited by U.N.L.M. - 31 January 2008 at 3:16pm |
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mcwoods
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Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:27pm |
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thanks alot man, ano what your saying seen some mistakes myself, but what ya gonna do lol, tho the late guy gets away with it, the early guy gets killed and the slightly late guy gets in jail. may have to read again lol. thanks alot.
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 3:31pm |
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lmao! I'm telling you about your mistakes and then my whole feed was wrong lol..Guess the moral of the story then is to sleep in or don't change your suit color...I think it was the way you structured your verse(like Fatal pointed out) that i actually confused myself feeding too fast..shame on me...
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Kay B
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 5:46pm |
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One word....Dope *wonders how many people will be shocked*
General content was dope, and had me wanting to read on, idea was creative an you pulled it off well...impressive |
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mcwoods
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Joined: 04 December 2006 Status: Offline Points: 4204 Crew: XFade: Phoenix Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 42-51-0 Form: LLLLWW |
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 5:54pm |
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thanks guys.
been a movie idea of mine for ages, thought i could make it into a short story kind of piece. |
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Swift Styles
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Posted: 31 January 2008 at 6:24pm |
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it was dope no doubt, my only this was whan UN said, making the story line up each 1st part matching the second insted of that second section being a lil scrambled around. but shit yea this was a good drop
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