Elevation Centre: Sworded Stylez' Feedback Thread |
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SwordedStylez 
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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 Posted: 04 July 2014 at 1:45pm |
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I got you both, just got some offline shit I'm dealing with and a couple of verses to write then I'll pm you when the feed's up.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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barrybondz
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Joined: 09 June 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1440 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 06 July 2014 at 4:23am |
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here you go ss you inspired me to write a better piece so I think this is the best thing I've written yet.
Like a deer in the headlights living in fear dealing with life Why am I in this fight? It remains unclear feeling a strife A raging battle inside and I'm aging id rather not abide Times are changing, and we're still cattle trying to provide Forest gump in a rump? Cmon get me outta this dump An average chump morphed into a savage tryna eliminate this slump I feel dwarfed, I don't know how to discriminate im like a bomb One wrong move I'll detonate, this is my deal I want to be aplomb Diffuse my situation? There is no salvation for me, only recluse Infuse me with acclamation so I can get salvation, I'm just too abstruse Backed in the corner im sick of being a bench warmer I've snapped father, ive just been vicked and now ima goner To myself, consumed by darkness there's no light at the end For this is my end, you assumed the worst, you've left me condemned For I am frankenstein and einstein once said insanity Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 07 July 2014 at 8:29am |
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Sorry to both you guys, I've been working all weekend to get some shit finished for a client so my feeding/activity has dropped off. I'll try and get these done by the end of tomorrow, work's work unfortunately.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 09 July 2014 at 1:10am |
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SS unleashed the dragon, get in the back of the wagon
Hopped in the back, fucked your mom than started braggin haha your flow's good and you're obviously carrying down the humour route. I'd say you're at the stage now where you need to start thinking about rhyming more syllables, it'll make your work more interesting to read and help with your delivery. Try and work on some 3 syllable rhymes, they're a good place to start and good to string together Really? I just had her on the back and she already calls me "daddy" Is she really talking to me? really? me? Im your new daddy? it's weird, I should hate this bar, but if it was in audio it'd actually be pretty hilarious I think with the right delivery. Technique wise this was sketch, delivery it was cool actually, just don't do these too often or it'll become a predictable gimmick. In that case I get to call you a fuck up so sit the fuck down Mommas a disgrace, likes it against the wall she likes to fool around again your flow's gettin really nice, you've already started to develop into a decent writer. You need to also start adding more wit and intelligence into your humour I think. By coming cleverer with it every now and again your silliness will have something to contrast with, that'll help your delivery and credibility a ton. I know how to use my tool, she couldn't resist im like a temptation Go back to school, now if you don't mind I gotta give her a vibration here you've gone a bit clumsy with your wording. Remember to read your work out loud, if it sounds clumsy to speak in rhythm then reword it to better effect. Again you need to raise the tone of your humour slightly, it starts to get cheap after a while I don't even give a bitch my number, I scribble shit down with my pen I come back a week later asking her to forgive, than I fuck her again here you coulda delivered it better., With a pure joke line like that you want to add some suspense to the punchline. I would've said: I don't even give a bitch my number, I scribble shit down with my pen I come back a week later..................then I fuck her again that pause allows you to create an expectation from the audience and will actually allow a not so amazing line like this one get enough personality to carry well I'm a player walking the game of l.i.f.e so don't hate on me Don't blame me, I bring a knife just in case you're type b this one was fillery you can do better now so I won't even comment This wannabe G tryna take a shot at me, better get in line I got a policy called don't get caught, and you won't receive a fine this is ok-ish, you need ot think of ways to use your concepts to give them the most impact. I see the idea you were going for but it wasn't delivered well enough. You're getting much much better though man, keep at it. I have to also say now that I'm sorry for being late with feedback, I have alot of stuff on and simply haven't had time. I'll catch up as soon as possible.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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the lyricist
Groupie 
Joined: 10 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 120 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-2 Form: LLNLN |
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Posted: 10 July 2014 at 7:36am |
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this is just a rappity rap verse
Pick up your stereo/turn on your radio/all you hear is a gangbanger fetishin guns/Oh Lord I'm ignored man that made me positive fans are squares rooting for the negative ones/content kinda complex but i'll send em in tons/my sentiments sung heavy so let the medicine run/while you was hookin I was cookin now the sentences done/So let us in son (lettuce in sun) /cuz the way I spray heat is green/And the way I slay beats is clean /I pray it plays on stage till the day it's seen by your seed/But now I'll flee the scene/even if I got fiends to feed the means are mean/I took my flow stash it in the basket/ never booked a show cuz the fashion was ratchet/I was hooked in slow but soon I'll start fasting I'm not raps bitch/ let us(lettuce) in the basket until it dries out before it died out it said Ak I have something to try out.... to be continued.....
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barrybondz
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Joined: 09 June 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1440 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 10 July 2014 at 9:11am |
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Thanks for the feed yet again SS, much appreciated.
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 11 July 2014 at 10:23am |
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I'm fucken wasted, and drunk like money after sculling a bottle of rum
No worries at all, I'm just a fuckin' monkey rather worried 'bout nuttin' this didn't even rhyme, it has a great syllable count but all of the stresses in your syllables are out of line. It's fairly mundane topicwise and I'm sure you've got more creativity than this Got to be somethin', see the DNA exposed when viewed in microscope You and I would croak if we designed such creation on the microphone this flows better but again you have weird placement of your stressed syllables for me, I'm not sure if that's an accent issue though as we both have fairly short vowel sounds when we spit so I dunno. Again microphone and microscope are an awkward slant for me yeah need to tighten your rhymes up a lot so that your bars don't come across so forced I'm latent on the hypertone, debatin' with a stress ball to bide the time Definin' rhymes on hydroplanes 'n' bringin' heavier balls than rhinoceri this is like reading an essay by somebody who's just found the thesaurus function in MS word. Bide the time and rhinoceri is a horrible end-rhyme with clumsy syllable matching, you've been around long enough to do better than this, this is fundamentals that you're lacking in for the most part. Quit trying to sound clever and nail your foundation and focus on putting out more coherent content. I've lots of eyes as a spiders times infinite viewin' amateur hidden cam When I arrive the guys all die 'n' I flee flyin' in the getaway driven van comes across really scattered/steam of consciousness and as such is very unclear/near illegible. You need to have focus in your rhymes just chatting shit for the sake of chatting shit isn't worth it.This seems really rushed and unthinking for the most part, you can do much better. Get risen fam, imprisoned have the vision to evolve like the lizards can Reptili-an, we all got brains that with writtens span all oceans 'n' sand
you lost your multi in the last line and it ruined all momentum you were building up. I think we both know that you can do much better than this, let's just leave it at that. |
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member
Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 11 July 2014 at 10:32am |
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Like a deer in the headlights living in fear dealing with life
Why am I in this fight? It remains unclear feeling a strife your concept is nice but your wording is really awkward. You force rhymes an awful lot in your end rhymes. I'm going to suggest that you write the second line first for a while. Write the line without even thinking about rhyming, then construct a set-up line with a good end-rhyme. It'll start getting you to rhyme more naturally instead of forcing the issue ever line A raging battle inside and I'm aging id rather not abide Times are changing, and we're still cattle trying to provide you have a problem that you need to be aware of you keep using things like "rather not abide" which actually doesn't mean anything, you "abide" by something, you don't just "abide." Alot of these instances "feeling a strife" etc are coming out of you forcing the rhyme. Remember rhyming just to rhyme gets nothing, you need to make sense too. Forest gump in a rump? Cmon get me outta this dump An average chump morphed into a savage tryna eliminate this slump The flow was a little clumsy but the rhymes were quite nice, you've come a long way since you first got here and slowly you're starting to get more entertaining as a writer, just don't forget to try and come with some wit sometimes to contrast your natural bluntness. I feel dwarfed, I don't know how to discriminate im like a bomb One wrong move I'll detonate, this is my deal I want to be aplomb that actually doesn't rhyme you pronounce "aplomb" slightly different than "bomb" but regardless of that the second line is very forced. This is what I mean about rhyming for rhyme sake rather than when it helps the verse, remember, clarity and coherency are al huge factor on the delivery of your verse Diffuse my situation? There is no salvation for me, only recluse Infuse me with acclamation so I can get salvation, I'm just too abstruse rhyming to rhyme. It's ok in idea but to do stuff like this you have to be much more fluid and natural with your rhymes and match the content to the schemes so that it actually means something. Good idea, bad execution Backed in the corner im sick of being a bench warmer I've snapped father, ive just been vicked and now ima goner everything up to "ima goner" was really good actually then you ruined it with the weak ending/punchline. You need to try and delivery the impact at the end of your couplets, it gives the audience/reader a better resolution and will help you a lot content wise To myself, consumed by darkness there's no light at the end For this is my end, you assumed the worst, you've left me condemned For I am frankenstein and einstein once said insanity Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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CHAIN
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Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 11 July 2014 at 10:56am |
 Barry, where are you from? |
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barrybondz
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Joined: 09 June 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1440 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 25 July 2014 at 9:58am |
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https://soundcloud.com/bam-m-1/mydaddy This is a work in progress lol. Ive altered it like 3-4 times.
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CHAIN
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Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 25 July 2014 at 10:56am |
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Do you wanna ride with I
And tell me ‘bout who you iz? Well, do you? – do you, bitch? Don’t move your lips to reply with ‘nah’ I’m on you like a private eye Ride or die, hide my pride I’m a shy – lunatic A prudent kid and by my side… I want you to sit, thigh-to-thigh Boo, them hips, I idolize Super thick, the bootie is… Ludicrous – but the size is fly Ha-Ha-Ha – I’m stupid, this… I don’t usually do my dear But you? Beautiful – you… Force me to try new ideas Exotic souvenir I had to shoot on sight Make you smile to put… That attitude on ice Strictly sandals & stilettos Sexy stepper got kicks like Judo fights Oh, you don’t like… Louis spikes on ‘em shoes, alright Bougie type with a body I can’t view on Skype What? You tryna fool me, right? Not even if you move the lights? You’re sorry? You’re too polite - Head screwed on tight Till the day you put out I’m calling you my pseudo wife Don’t you just hate it When that nigga Cupid strikes? Making you move your - Schedule on movie night Buy matching BMX’es We can be… Wise cracking BFF’s On DM screens Ipad-ing, reading text… Messages ‘tween u and me Won’t see me stressing – -PMS, nah, this easy street Hugs, cheek-to-breast And I won’t even cheat …are you down with that? |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 26 July 2014 at 11:48am |
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Pick up your stereo/ turn on your radio/ ok the first thing that stands out when rearranging your bars is how uneven you are structure wise. This is killing all of your flow as nothing is on an even meter throughout th epiece. You're actually a good rhymer but you need better syllable awareness and rhythmic control. Start writing to a beat and making sure the lines are of a coherent length. all you hear is a gangbanger fetishin guns/ Oh Lord I'm ignored man that made me positive fans are squares rooting for the negative ones/ you have nice natural rhythm. But your structure is preventing it from flowing through the entire verse, your couplets/separate schemes rhyme very well, it's a shame that you're so scattered actually as the rhyme side of your technique is very sound. Gotta say, the gangbanger line is weak, I'm almost 100% certain you aren't one, so write more genuinely would be a good tip. content kinda complex but i'll send em in tons/ my sentiments sung heavy so let the medicine run/ these 2 bars here are about the length that all of your lines should be. These are actually really nice, good content, snappy delivery, tight rhymes. Good job while you was hookin I was cookin now the sentences done/ So let us in son (lettuce in sun) / the first line is killer, but then the shortened second one cut the flow short and ruined it, the flow in the first line is very nice and punchy, if you'd've continues that pattern it woulda been ill man cuz the way I spray heat is green/ And the way I slay beats is clean / compared to the last couplet this is pure filler and beneath you, nuff said. I pray it plays on stage till the day it's seen by your seed/ But now I'll flee the scene/ even if I got fiends to feed the means are mean/ this coulda done with one more line in the scheme. These 3 are actually quite nice with the drop bar/rest. I think you're actually not bad at all you just need structure and focus in your work to elevate it into something coherent. I took my flow stash it in the basket/ never booked a show cuz the fashion was ratchet/ back to filler/weak bars, again this is beneath you. I was hooked in slow but soon I'll start fasting I'm not raps bitch/ let us(lettuce) in the basket until it dries out before it died out it said Ak I have something to try out.... to be continued.....
weak closer with forced concepts. Overall I'd say there are huge pointers at potential here. You have lots of rhyming ability, now learn some structure and focus your bars into a more coherent piece so you get the impact you deserve. |
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4922 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 26 July 2014 at 12:12pm |
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Do you wanna ride with I
And tell me ‘bout who you iz? Well, do you? – do you, bitch? Don’t move your lips to reply with ‘nah’ this is oldschool flow right here. The establishing scheme comes in simple and lazy yet supremely effective and the roll-out on the 4th bar is all swag and I caught it immediately. That takes skill that most text heads don't truly appreciate. Good opener Ride or die, hide my pride I’m a shy – lunatic A prudent kid and by my side… This is on some Rakim level shit, so efficient it's sometimes unbelievable the way you do it. short and snappy but not vague which is often a problem with styles like this. By not going metaphoric and keeping it mundane the simple rhymes are more able to convey the rhythmic skill you're using I want you to sit, thigh-to-thigh Boo, them hips, I idolize Super thick, the bootie is… Ludicrous – but the size is fly again, more efficiency. You're so economical in styles like this, which gives you incredible smoothness, I personally would prefer more movement in the flow, but this is all you so I can't hate Ha-Ha-Ha – I’m stupid, this… I don’t usually do my dear But you? Beautiful – you… Force me to try new ideas i'm not as keen on these ones. The wording seems a little bit clumsy when I spit it, for most emcees I wouldn' notice it, but because it's surrounded by your typical liquid flow it stood out to me. The rhymes are still crisp, just the delivery coulda been tighter. Exotic souvenir I had to shoot on sight Make you smile to put… That attitude on ice and you're back on. this was lyrical genius, I can't do this with this few words if I'm honest, I need to loop it around a few inners to get the same impact so props man. This was dope for real Sexy stepper got kicks like Judo fights Oh, you don’t like… Louis spikes on ‘em shoes, alright this was all style. I like your manipulation of rests and compounds to create such an intricate rhythm, again I' jealous you can do it with so few words. Content was dope, delivery made it though especially in he penultimate bar Bougie type with a body I can’t view on Skype What? You tryna fool me, right? Not even if you move the lights? haha, this is more like the sort of delivery I'd use, more syllables too with a bouncier flow, I like this, made me chuckle. You often don't use many "punchline" or impact bars and just express, but when you do your execution is flawless. - Head screwed on tight Till the day you put out I’m calling you my pseudo wife it's that style thing again. I think the reason most people love your shit is because you simply sound cool. It's that same reason we all listened to Biggie and felt like we were riding along in the limo drinkin that henney, you have that same "voyeur" appeal in your rhymes. Don’t you just hate it When that nigga Cupid strikes? Making you move your - Schedule on movie night and another impact bar to follow up, lovely rhymes here and the move/movie gives it a nice repetition flow tweak and a like that, those are more done in audio than text I find but they always sound dope on track Buy matching BMX’es We can be… Wise cracking BFF’s On DM screens Ipad-ing, reading text… Messages ‘tween u and me Won’t see me stressing – -PMS, nah, this easy street Hugs, cheek-to-breast And I won’t even cheat
…are you down with that? and you end it in a barrage of rhymes and lyricism, these are "master bars" and you finish strong in both style and technique. This was really dope, simplicity and technicality combined with excellent delivery, top notch[./b] |
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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the lyricist
Groupie
Joined: 10 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 120 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-2 Form: LLNLN |
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Posted: 26 July 2014 at 11:26pm |
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Thnx SS for the feedback I will work on the structure as for the gangbanger line I was complaining about gangsta rap on the radio but I should've made it more clear.
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Stupendipidous
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Joined: 11 September 2014 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 492 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Posted: 22 September 2014 at 7:57pm |
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Edited by Stupendipidous - 22 September 2014 at 8:26pm |
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Shankley
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Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Posted: 23 September 2014 at 12:42am |
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He is no longer active so this is useless...
But.... Your structure is terrible, it makes it hard for the reader to catch your flow and realise where the line breaks are. You really wanna structure it in sort of a stacked look rather than this sort of what I call story book look (have a look around and you'll see what I mean) and if this is a first attempt at muliple syllable rhyming (multis) is wasn't terrible but you want to read some more advanced rhymers on here like CHAIN, Kiki Spirez, Arthur is good also. Your content was missing yu were really writing about norhin in particular which doesn't scream at the reader to continue reading you wanna capture the readers imagination and hold it throughout your verse, try teling a story it can be made up or a real life event and do whateer you want to it but make it something first of all that you'd want to read because chances are if yu wanna read it someone else would and vise versa if you wouldn't read neither would anyone else. You mivht also wanna make your drops alot longer than about 6 linesif something is way too small that also puts people off wantig to read it as well. I hope I have helped you better your writing and good luck. |
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Stupendipidous
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Joined: 11 September 2014 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 492 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Posted: 23 September 2014 at 12:50am |
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i normally do stack it when i post a verse i was just after some feed back to see what im doing right/wrong so i know if im progessing at all without posting loads of shit in the open mic and yeah this didn't have a subject coz i was just hoping to have it ripped apart piece by piece and have all the flaws pointed out to me cheers for the feed tho
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Stupendipidous
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Joined: 11 September 2014 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 492 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Posted: 23 September 2014 at 12:54am |
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have a look at my 'ok where am i goin wrong thread' in the elevation centre i just posted up summin how i usually post feel free to slate it and rate it
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Bizzy Hustle
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Joined: 08 February 2015 Location: Miami,fl Status: Offline Points: 23 |
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Posted: 09 February 2015 at 7:40am |
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Hey man I posted on the open mic to get some feed back and haven't gotten any back. I know I can't do what am doing but your offering your service. Tell me what you do and not like about the song.
http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/song-type_topic38669.html |
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Shankley
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Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Posted: 09 February 2015 at 3:05pm |
Swordedstylez doesn't really come on here anymore, but I'll give ya feedback if you want.
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Bizzy Hustle wrote: