Open Mic: (ILLiad Vol.4) A Reason For Vengeance

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   My father was apart of the Illiad syndicate, murdered by his own people
i was only eleven years old and my eyes witnessed some real evil
the Dragon was like an uncle to me use to visit from time to time
but that last visit changed everything, he lost his fucking mind
it was extra quite at the dinner table, than it became violent
mother and father screaming at the Dragon as i sat there silent
you pushed it to far D those kids were all innocent
mother looks at father "its fucked up isn't it"
crying hysterically shes throws a wine glass ,skimming the Dragons face
he looks at my father says "better shut that hor up before i putter in her place
show some respect to Illiads Dragon or you'll all vanish without a trace
father stood up hauled a gun from his waste, wasn't quick enough to raise it
the dragon whipped a butterfly blade across the table, i still cant shake it
the sight of blood gushing from his neck as my mother tried to save'em
the dragon calmly walked around the table grabbed her and started shaken
my mind shocked unable to move a muscle ,had me left in amazement 
as my fathers blood covered the kitchen floor as if it were a blanket
he grabbed my mother by the hair of the head ,said"son you need to see this"
her eyes bulged out, face turned purple as she choked to death on his penis 
i thought i was next and it was over i fucking wished he would kill me
but he said "son, i want you to live with this pain, hoping it would thrill me
use it as a tool to fuel your inner monster, become a vicious mobster
or end up like your father if you wanna refuse my offer
thats when i ran for my life and i've bin gone ever since
but when i grow to be a man i'll be back to settle this
the Dragon will pay for his viciousness , with god as my witness
vengeance will be mine, now that the Dragons on my hitlist


Edited by Slip - 09 January 2017 at 2:11am

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Slip Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Slip Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: (ILLiad Vol.4) A Reason For Vengeance Posted: 09 January 2017 at 2:02am
	My father was apart of the Illiad syndicate, murdered by his own people i was only eleven years old and my eyes witnessed some real evil the Dragon was like an uncle to me use to visit from time to time but that last visit changed everything, he lost his fucking mind it was extra quite at the dinner table, than it became violent mother and father screaming at the Dragon as i sat there silent you pushed it to far D those kids were all innocent mother looks at father "its fucked up isn't it" crying hysterically shes throws a wine glass ,skimming the Dragons face he looks at my father says "better shut that hor up before i putter in her place show some respect to Illiads Dragon or you'll all vanish without a trace father stood up hauled a gun from his waste, wasn't quick enough to raise it the dragon whipped a butterfly blade across the table, i still cant shake it the sight of blood gushing from his neck as my mother tried to save'em the dragon calmly walked around the table grabbed her and started shaken my mind shocked unable to move a muscle ,had me left in amazement as my fathers blood covered the kitchen floor as if it were a blanket he grabbed my mother by the hair of the head ,said"son you need to see this" her eyes bulged out, face turned purple as she choked to death on his penis i thought i was next and it was over i fucking wished he would kill me but he said "son, i want you to live with this pain, hoping it would thrill me use it as a tool to fuel your inner monster, become a vicious mobster or end up like your father if you wanna refuse my offer thats when i ran for my life and i've bin gone ever since but when i grow to be a man i'll be back to settle this the Dragon will pay for his viciousness , with god as my witness vengeance will be mine, now that the Dragons on my hitlist Edited by Slip - 09 January 2017 at 2:11am
	See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people

alicewonder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN	Post Options Post Reply Quote alicewonder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10 January 2017 at 8:34pm
	I haven't seen the preceding ones yet, but I read the concept 'presentation', and I think it's a pretty interesting one, to say the least. Having said that, this was a quite nice read. One of the highlights to me was the directness you employed. Right from the beginning you set the scene and the rather reflective tone for this verse. To start off, I think your opening segment was written nicely, not only in terms of directness/simplicity to follow, but I also thought that each line carried a somewhat relevant detail to progress or benefit the 'story' here. But there was a bar which threw me off, as it seemed kinda out of place compared to the fairly strong beginning you presented. you pushed it to far D those kids were all innocent mother looks at father "its fucked up isn't it" I guess it's more of a preference, but I don't think that neither the tone nor the way this was worded matches the overall composition (up until this point). If you'd spelled out the Dragon (I'm assuming you are referring to the Dragon here with the D abbrev..), and replaced the 'it's fucked up isn't it' bit with a more tone-related direct speech, this could be a way stronger, integrated part of the segment. Continuing to your middle segment, I actually thought it's somewhat 'funny' (more in a 'silly' way) the way the dragon addresses the mother, but it didn't take away from the 'enjoyment' factor here. And it's getting more and more into that direction, up until that 'kill me' segment. The ending was a highlight to me, both content and technical wise, as you had some rather nice, subtle internals, which somewhat lacked throughout your opening part. Overall, a different, yet somewhat entertaining verse. Pretty nice read.