Open Mic: [WD#1] I Like Pepsi.....
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AshleyKaos View Drop Down
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Form: LWLLNQ 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AshleyKaos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: [WD#1] I Like Pepsi.....
    Posted: 13 February 2016 at 7:56am
Hit ya with grammatics bein Punchuate if punchin ya dick
My Swing needs no Refinery because I've perfected this
You get Decapitated under my prettyGongozala
Then i dump ya body off on a ride in the Gondala
Nah i aint sorry Brahh fuck it im Ludic and Morbid
Get off on flesh in river beds cuz its Absorbent
Dictaphones say how? Magic like Tribal Indian Chuck Chickasaw
Killin faggits like Ricky martin its Rick Rickashaw gettin sawed off
So goofy its kerloofey giving out an Aromacey
Stuck winning like im in Vocferous...fuck a Diplomacy
NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Venomonology View Drop Down
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Form: WWLWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Venomonology Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 February 2016 at 1:21pm
Totally honestly I wasn't feeling this much sorry. a few uses of the words didn't quite work for me like with gorgonzola.. I can understand I guess it is possible to decapitate someone under a piece of gorgonzola but it seems like such a farfetched notion that it comes across as a really forced way to use the word. and the typo on aeromancy led to a false rhyme with aromacey and diplomacy, which is a shame because the goofy / kerflooey start of that bar had a nice rhythm to it.

your use of ludic and kerflooey was good though. both fitted in pretty seamlessly with the flow and felt like they meant to be there, not like they were forced in. so that shows you're able to construct lines / bars in that way, you just need to become a little bit more creative and consistent with how you're doing it with the more unconventional words.

it's not a bad attempt overall though, since it is quite difficult to use 10 random words in a short verse like this but this is all about learning, expanding vocab and playing with the words so that they work for you. by engaging in exercises like this regularly you're only going to improve time after time.


Edited by Venomonology - 13 February 2016 at 1:26pm
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Form: WWWWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rutter knows best Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 February 2016 at 2:16pm
You did well to get the words in but i ddn't feel you used them correctly at times. Other than punctuate and refinery the other wornt really in context from what i got. there was various points with potential like the river bed an the grammatics line but the line leading into or following on made the flow choppy. 

Okay attempt you did good to cram it all in so little lines but it hurt the coherency of it.
#bananas
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