Open Mic: Threw My Eyes
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Form: LWLLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The VersaFire Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Threw My Eyes
    Posted: 07 November 2013 at 9:43pm
It's a throw away but all feedback is accepted and appreciated 

Yo, Every person bein friendly is a long shot
Cuz hatred and jealousy spreads like Smallpox
If U touch me or my Fam i'll get mad to
But that's it,  I only fight if I have to
Some niggas never want any change and thats scary
Juss wanna be associated wit pussy like jerry
Me and my niggas, was born wit a low hand like Lindsey
But we still tryna move up like Sherman Hemsley
I see terrible things when I turn on the News
Killin yo own brother over some new shoes
The shackles that have my people are strong as ever
Scold you if you buy books, Praise you if you buy barrettes
Feeding you lies, and most of you guys is listenin 
Im shootin for the truth and I swear I ain't missin
It's a blessin, I learned my lessons, at adolesences
Take my message, may god be with you threw yo Transgressions
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Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
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Form: WWWLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2013 at 10:01pm
I liked this one much better for the fact that you touched on more subjects that worked well being talked about together and there was a clear message especially at the end that really carries meaning that the reader could take with them. I'm not knocking on the self-hype pieces at all because I dabble in that as well...sometimes it's cool to be competitive or simply display skill as long as it's done creatively. I think the most powerful work from a writer is when they're putting out something that holds more meaning beyond that so this piece I enjoyed more. I think as you write more, your punchlines and plays will become much more effective...I liked your sense of wordplay here...more hit than miss, and I could see you quickly improving in that as well. Keep at it, man.
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Form: LWLLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The VersaFire Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2013 at 10:04pm
Originally posted by Freeda5thDawg Freeda5thDawg wrote:

I liked this one much better for the fact that you touched on more subjects that worked well being talked about together and there was a clear message especially at the end that really carries meaning that the reader could take with them. I'm not knocking on the self-hype pieces at all because I dabble in that as well...sometimes it's cool to be competitive or simply display skill as long as it's done creatively. I think the most powerful work from a writer is when they're putting out something that holds more meaning beyond that so this piece I enjoyed more. I think as you write more, your punchlines and plays will become much more effective...I liked your sense of wordplay here...more hit than miss, and I could see you quickly improving in that as well. Keep at it, man.


Good looks yo, Will do
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Form: WWWWNW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote -Orion- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 November 2013 at 10:16am
Where?!
. . . Now who said they fuckin' with me?
They just said that FUCKIN' with me
They didn't mean it
Nah . . .
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Form: LWLLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The VersaFire Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 November 2013 at 2:23pm
Originally posted by -Orion- -Orion- wrote:

Where?!

what?
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Form: WWWWNW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Orion- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 November 2013 at 12:20am
Where did you throw your eyes

(The word is through)

(I don't usually do that kind of shit but this one made me laugh so I thought what the hell)
. . . Now who said they fuckin' with me?
They just said that FUCKIN' with me
They didn't mean it
Nah . . .
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Form: NWWWWL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dougysnuggy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 November 2013 at 12:22am
Lmao...
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Form: LWLLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The VersaFire Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 November 2013 at 12:23am
Originally posted by -Orion- -Orion- wrote:

Where did you throw your eyes

(The word is through)

(I don't usually do that kind of shit but this one made me laugh so I thought what the hell)

Damn I did fuck up lol 
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