Open Mic: A Hard Day's Work

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Zinaii View Drop Down
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    Posted: 04 February 2014 at 6:13am



On my shift i walk the corridors, each room i view accordingly
I walk wide leg, and yank on my belt to reassure my authority
Uniform orderly, badge blinging trouser crease could split hairs
Radio in to the boss *10-4 my way everything looks clear*
Its been a good year, no action but iim waitn for a chance to shine
I got a flashlight a hundred watts that could fry ants alive
Minimum wage to keep criminals away so dont double cross me
But i make up with incentives im paid in donuts and coffee
Did my hourly round after fighting with a flooded commode
They need to fix it; cuz when my stomachs got the bubbles i GO
Whistling tunes as i walk; spinning my keys on my index
"Hmmm something smells fishy and not my unwashed brim sweat"
I spin left; see a guy with a badge and a hood walking fast as he culd
"Hey! Where are you coming from!" he made a dash on foot
"Perp! Perp!" I scream while trying to keep up with this thug
Hyperventilating, feels like sumones got a knife stuck in my lung
Saw a bottle of pills spilled all over the floor; i had only one thought
Hes stealing prescription pills; this guys prolly stolen alot
I burst through the front door; and catch one last glimpse of the theif
*perp got away perp got away!* well; shit the cops'll get him at least
I gotta sit down a second; my body aches from tryna run
my mind is numb *watch beeps* oh just in time for lunch!


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RedNosePit View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote RedNosePit Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 February 2014 at 8:36am
Co
Originally posted by Zinaii Zinaii wrote:




On my shift i walk the corridors, each room i view accordingly
I walk wide leg, and yank on my belt to reassure my authority
I particularly liked this bar ↑. The emphasis on the "core" sound was used well.
In addition the whole yank on my belt to reassure my authority portion
describes a perhaps...security guard with an bully/authority complex all to well.



Uniform orderly, badge blinging trouser crease could split hairs
Radio in to the boss *10-4 my way everything looks clear*
for progression of the story reasons, the content here is legit.
It has yet to fault er(and maybe it won't)...but the clear/hair
rhyme is a tad forced for text in my humble opinion.
Altogether not a huge deal as I'm sure you are able to make ir work
by bending the words via audio...but for text id say nah.



Its been a good year, no action but iim waitn for a chance to shine
I got a flashlight a hundred watts that could fry ants alive
This bar is just dope. Fucking security guards and they're
flashlights lol. I wonder if the almighty whistle presents itself


Minimum wage to keep criminals away so dont double cross me
But i make up with incentives im paid in donuts and coffee
Dope bar once again. No negative here.


Did my hourly round after fighting with a flooded commode
They need to fix it; cuz when my stomachs got the bubbles i GO
Dug the bar.



Whistling tunes as i walk; spinning my keys on my index
"Hmmm something smells fishy and not my unwashed brim sweat"
Gross lol..legit bar


I spin left; see a guy with a badge and a hood walking fast as he culd
"Hey! Where are you coming from!" he made a dash on foot
"Perp! Perp!" I scream while trying to keep up with this thug
Hyperventilating, feels like sumones got a knife stuck in my lung
Saw a bottle of pills spilled all over the floor; i had only one thought
Hes stealing prescription pills; this guys prolly stolen alot
I burst through the front door; and catch one last glimpse of the theif
*perp got away perp got away!* well; shit the cops'll get him at least
I gotta sit down a second; my body aches from tryna run
my mind is numb *watch beeps* oh just in time for lunch!




That whole last bit was a good bit...
Maybe not the most technical but closed the story strong.
That closer was perfect. This whole concept is surprisingly not something I've personally seen done before
so it came off pretty fresh.

The only negatives I seen were the forced clear/hair rhyme and sometimes you misspelled words..
Altogether very very minor. I mean almost everybody has a mistake or two.
I enjoyed this drop very much. I think you should do a cops n robbers sort of concept man.
Be dope. Appreciate the feed too.
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Zinaii View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Zinaii Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 February 2014 at 12:15am
Kick push
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 February 2014 at 12:37am
A good drop overall bro. Good to see you getting active in OMs.
Starting was really good and story line was really interesting.
Flow was decent. Personally, I liked the opening and closing the most...
Props on this entertaining read.
Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 February 2014 at 12:53am
the pic is hilarious...fuck yeah Zin...I dont know about the other people who responded to this but this was sick...I love how there is a REAL up and coming topical head on the site...for real it makes me happy to see its not a lost art in the mix between a bunch of name flips and noob battles...

I loved how you opened it up with the opening bars..  flow was smooth and set it up nicely. 

Its been a good year, no action but iim waitn for a chance to shine
I got a flashlight a hundred watts that could fry ants alive---see thats what its about rite there...you getting this topical thing way too quickly haha..good for you Zin

"Whistling tunes as i walk; spinning my keys on my index"--this line alone shows you have a real skill for topical....good for you

"Hmmm something smells fishy and not my unwashed brim sweat"
I spin left; see a guy with a badge and a hood walking fast as he culd
"Hey! Where are you coming from!" he made a dash on foot
"Perp! Perp!" I scream while trying to keep up with this thug
Hyperventilating, feels like sumones got a knife stuck in my lung
Saw a bottle of pills spilled all over the floor; i had only one thought
Hes stealing prescription pills; this guys prolly stolen alot---this whole part rite here could of been worded better..for real...you are nailing the imagery and the concept but work on the execution in this section...you have the rite ideas Zin

I gotta sit down a second; my body aches from tryna run
my mind is numb *watch beeps* oh just in time for lunch!---haha you picked it up here in the end again...you killed it Zin...your the next up and coming topical writer...good for you


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Zinaii View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Zinaii Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 February 2014 at 2:03am
*whispers* pssssst. Bump
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JBrenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 February 2014 at 10:36am
EXO hit this.... Zin you got topical skills... hope everyone keeps and eye open for more of your drops cause i feel like you are an underrated writer!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 February 2014 at 6:18pm
Clap
 
LOL!!
 
Zin this verse was honestly outstanding in many aspects dude. First off the flow was spot on from top to bottom which kept is as a nice smooth read through out. The storyline itself was fucking priceless!! As I was reading I was thinking to myself how is this fat fuck going to end this? LOL You really pulled me in to keep reading. The beginning was funny as shit, but the closing bar was a great way to tie this all up...
 
Well done.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote TAM 218 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2014 at 7:02am
lol lol, before i went into the verse i fucking lol'd at that pic, that's a dope one.

now the verse is super dope man and fucking hilarious too, this was a good read, the flow was spot on, i could just imagine the scenery as i read on.... keep it high zin
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Brotha Goose Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2014 at 10:39am
HAHAHA! Damn my dude, this came out niice! Kept me interested and
laughing throughout. Luved the pic too, I think ya just about nailed
the day to day routine of every lard ass mall cop on the planet!
Great read Zin, yur topical skills are come'n along nicely brethren
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote IZIAH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2014 at 7:51pm
lol, fucking good man. flow was good, and nice multis! 

stay up fam
~Insight The Inspired~
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote levy420 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 February 2014 at 8:04am
This was solid zin that doughnuts an coffee line had me rolling you should do more topicals stay up homie
I'll explode at the drop of a dime like proximity mines
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