Open Mic: [OM King] Lost

This concept was hellas fresh. I feel the pain of laundry. Im not gonna go into any technical feeding. I really like the story line and the way you kept me wondering where the fuck this was going. LOL dope shit Scripts

iLL ScriptureZ wrote: I still do her laundry though I feel awkward Yelling in the other room like I really talk to her ^Decent opener for reason's I cited below It's a loss for me, I take it on the chin well But my pride is broken & every morning has been hell Nothing special here but work's well as a continuation of the drop Staying up late getting comfortable with the silence Scrolling through pictures I love of you, it's timeless Descriptive, dig this bar Only a year & a half ago, I know I put numbers on my mileage Short tempered with people, I'm vulnerable to violence I'm not sure I get how this bar connects with the rest of the piece This isn't me... you changed me visibly Tryna mind my own business, sippin' tea Instinctively, I reflect in the place I last saw At first it was fine but now I gotta back off These two bars were a bit vague too me, I'd like to hear it explained Holding on to a memory I try to laugh off Laughing turns to crying feeling defeated by a glass jaw defeated by a glass jaw? Defeated by weakness? If not I'm not sure I get it I gotta rip this mask off, put on that smile again It'll disappear into the darkness won't find it again That paranormal abyss, a mass hole vortex  That swallow American ships by black soul forces It's bigger than that hear the piano chorus This'll be the death of me; sitting on foreshadow's doorstep But it's worth it ^This whole next section was pretty damn good. It's probably my favorite portion of it. To keep her warm, to keep her comfort To keep that smile, man I love her If your a parent you know our lives shambles Reminiscing everyday & for that I'm thankful But doing your baby's laundry is a life gamble Cuz somehow the washer & dryer turns into the Bermuda Triangle ^the ending is icing on the cake. You did well with it. It's pretty simple mechanics all the way through. The concept was executed well but I'd have liked to see some more aggressive schemes. Enjoyed reading bro, stay at it.

lolol

Haha, I really liked this as a concept...nice spin on the idea of the Bermuda Triangle. Having had shit eaten by the washing machine before I can totally relate & I get the new father angle as well.

I do get the emotions that run with being a parent (not one myself but getting that life stage and people around me are becoming parents) so I get the direction and angle you were going for. For me it was maybe a little bit too over the top, like I think you sold it a bit too hard on trying to fake us out. Think it would feel more rounded if you dialled it down a notch or two in the build up.

Wording wise, flow was generally good...in parts it could've been a bit smoother but haven't seen you around a lot so I guess you're getting back into it a bit, that will come with time...your verse form itself is very good so you have a good foundation, it's just slight tweaks in wording to let it roll off the tongue a bit more.

So overall I commend you for the angle you took on this, the originality was tremendous and I liked the subject matter too, that's pure hip hop for me...writing about life experiences. Think a little bit of improvement in wording and getting a balance in the build up and final segment is what separates this between a 4 and 5 star drop for me.

Glad to see you back and dropping though man, exactly what the challenge is about.

Thanks for the free. Cuba that's some of the most honest direct fees I've received in some time.