Heat Wave: HW Topical (Rd 1) - Ill v Scoot

Storyteller round - This round will be aimed at "story" topics, forcing you to make the most of your 16 lines

Battle B "Storyteller Battle": Story of an Idea: Tell a story of an idea that would change the world, the idea can be yours or someone else's.

Best of 3 votes from JUDGES

Edited by Cuba - 23 July 2015 at 10:10pm

Scoot aka Scotty

--- (Self) Driving The Future ---

luddite's terror produced anonymous fear
now panic's severe for autonomous gear
lacking control and mans destroyed role
people console at vehicles devoid of soul
advancements obstruction from crazy's induction
Death and destruction guaranteed from lazy's seduction
But Google made sci-fi a reality, removed the leathality
Roads free from brutality, we regained our humanity
Electrical propulsion cleaned up city polution
Fear and confusion reduced to silly delusion
The Middle East found peace, with oil's decrease
And Earth's release from it's climate disease
Free to surf n tweet from behind the drivers seat
We're happy to rise n greet without lies n deceit
Hatred drowned and happiness bound the world around
the futures profound, now utopia's been found

Edited by Cuba - 23 July 2015 at 10:11pm

This was a pretty good battle right here. I am thoroughly entertained. Day; you nailed the story; you stepped right up to the topic delivered flawlessly flow wise and finished it nicely. My only complaint (and im nitpicking) is that it was somewhat bland. The story cruised along well almost on autopilot; and with the same multi being used with no twist or anything at the end it kinda takes the excitement out of the verse.Still an above average verse none the less and there wasn't a lot of leeway to develop a story here so I took that into account to while i was reading. Either way good drop

Scoot
Now this story was interesting too read I enjoyed it. FLow wise it could be polished in a few places; take a word or two out here or add in an extra word but nothing that hurts the verse overall. Now in terms of the actual story I liked how in the opening bars you kind of broadly explained the negative effects of technology; but then right at the google line you changed it up and described this new world where everything is better. That twist suprised me as I thought you were going to keep talking about the negatives of it.

Comparing the two verses this is unbelievably hard to judge. Ill has the flow with a less stellar story and I think Scoot has the better story with less mechanical precision then ill had. I think Scoot edges this out I just thought he had a more entertaining story; it was a little more risky and outside of the box. Ill you had a good story but it didnt catch my attention like scoots did. Good battle by both and stay up

Concretes vote, submitted to me via PM...

Aight, this was a good and close battle.

Ill, I think you nailed it as far as coming up for a really profound narrative is concerned. Had to read it a couple of times to get the layers you set up in the short story. Nice and strong emotional build up in the first half that felt intriguingly depressive. Progressing further on to some interesting bars here:
Though we’re crying we feel full, thanks to chemistry & flight
Mentally a fight to redistribute the energy to a spike
It connects us one last time for being genetically alike
Now, I get the jist of it, however for the sake of the seemingly intricate story this should have been more fleshed out. I know this was only 16 line limit battle, but damn it, it would have been really cool to see a more complete version of this in an independent OM drop.
Technically it was all good and sound, flowed smooth and rhymed elegant enough for me.


Scoot, very similar structure to Ill but with a whole different approach to the subject.
Perhaps your take on it suits the given line lenght better, as it works as a more reflective piece.
Not as emotionally captivating as your opponent but bar for bar this was pretty tight I must say.
I also think your vivid use of imagery was slightly more slick and more according to the given topic.
No specific quotables, the entire verse was pretty consistent.


This one is really hard to judge I must admit, you both did your thing pretty, pretty good damn in accordancing to your interpretations. I'll guess I have to go with who's intepretation I dug the most,
and here at the end of the day I'll go with Scoots version. Imma blatant sucker for dystopian themes and I think he managed to convey that presence pretty well. Ill did a really good job tho, would like to see him expand his verse and do it more justice later on.